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Sounds to me like you've tried everything...and she just isn't interested. At least you know where you stand and that gives us a starting point.
Part of the problem might be the lack of "affection" instead of lack of "sex". For instance, when you try to initiate sex, how does she reject you? Does she simply ignore you, push you away, tell you to stop, get angry/hostile, or what? Let her know that there's a good way to reject you and a bad way.
You're going to have to come up with some guidelines that work for you, but as a start let her know that if she doesn't want sex, to: touch you, hold you, kiss you, and say something like, "Sorry honey, but I'm just not in the mood right now. I hope you understand that I still love you." The point is, "how" she rejects has a lot to do with what you're feeling.
Women talk a lot about how their needs are "different"...and they're right. But this also means that men are different too. Men need sex in almost the same manner that women need emotional attention. Ask your wife how she would feel if you only talked to her once a month and the rest of the time ignored her. Eventually she would feel unloved, her self esteem would suffer and she would start thinking about getting out of the marriage because she feels unwanted. Obviously you're feeling the same way right now. You need to communicate "how" this situation makes you feel, in a manner that she understands.
"Cheating" on your wife will work in the short term, because you'll start to feel needed again and you'll be having sex. However, from what I've read in this thread, you show all the classic symptoms of simply wanting attention. You probably want to have an affair so that you'll get caught. When she finds out about the affair and the shit hits the fan, even the negative attention you'll get from your wife is better than no attention.
If you communicate these things to your wife and she still doesn't respond, that puts us into another area altogether. At that point, you're going to have to sit down and prioritize your needs. If this truly has been going to for a few years and she doesn't respond to the suggestions above, it's not good for either of you. If we were sitting across from each other, I'd hand you a calendar and a big red marker and tell you to "Pick a day when your leaving, and let's start planning backwards to make this work."
MoJo
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