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ratbastid · 10-22-2005, 06:48 AM

I'm absolutely not wired differently than you. I have to deal with my desires and expectations constantly. Only difference is, I've seen very clearly what they look like and how they get in my way, and I've trained myself to have an eye out for them. When you expect or desire or want things, you start grabbing for them, which (heh heh) doesn't work so well in a relationship. We tend to push away the very thing we want.

Desire is the root of all suffering. If you can give up your desires--and I'm NOT saying it's easy--then anything becomes possible. You can't give up your desires just by giving up your desires, though. First you've got to own that those are YOUR desires. There's no "good thing" and "bad thing", like an absolute. There's no "one thing better than another", either. All there is is YOU desiring stuff, and stuff out there getting desired. You're the one imposing desire on things.

THEN you've got to start to see what your desires do to you, and it ain't pretty. For most of us, you either get what you want and to hell anyone who gets in your way (including the people you want it from), or you don't get what you want and you act like a pouting child about it. I know that's how my automatic responses work, anyway. It's very automatic for me, almost robotic.

Once you've seen all that and own it as your mechanism (which isn't bad, btw, it's just how you're wired to work), you can start to set it down and create something else. You can catch yourself in the moment, interrupt nonproductive thoughts and feelings as they arise in you. You can authentically invent a 100-0 relationship, and see how it works.

It might have been irresponsible of me to lay out the 100-0 notion without all this background. I can see I've intrigued some people though, so that's good. I think the more people can think about how they actually ARE in relationships, the better things will work for them.

You can see this in action in this thread. Imagine this scenerio: I want to have better communication with my partner. So I want that, right? Want it and want it and want it. And she won't communicate with me, so that's The Problem! She won't communicate, and that's in the way of what I want. And so I bug her to communicate with me--because I want that so bad! And every time I bug her, she shuts down a little more. Which isn't what I want! Uh oh! Now I have to REALLY bug her, because I'm getting the OPPOSITE of what I want! And then I wonder why she hasn't talked to me in days!

Versus: I see that what I want in this relationship is communication. I see that I think she's not communicating like she should. I see that my tendency will be to bug her about that, and I'm clear the impact that's likely to have. I SET ASIDE my desire to get her to open up, and look to see what's there, after I've done that. What's there is for me to start BEING the communication I want to see. I tell her honestly how I'm feeling, I share this whole process with her. I share with her all my fears and thoughts and hopes. How do you think that leaves her, in terms of her willingness to communicate with me?

I should be clear: I'm not good at this yet. I've been studying it in some form for about seven years now, and I'm building my muscle at it, but I wouldn't say I'm good at it yet. But even beginning to work on it provides a huge amount in people's lives.

There's some concern here about being taken advantage of. That's valid, and you do have to watch for that. The time may come in a relationship when what's there to do when you set aside your desire (or your anger or your hurt or whatever) is to end the relationship. But that's more powerfully done when the emotional charge is set aside.

This is now a total threadjack. Back to abortion, stat!

10-22-2005, 06:48 AM	#50 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	I'm absolutely not wired differently than you. I have to deal with my desires and expectations constantly. Only difference is, I've seen very clearly what they look like and how they get in my way, and I've trained myself to have an eye out for them. When you expect or desire or want things, you start grabbing for them, which (heh heh) doesn't work so well in a relationship. We tend to push away the very thing we want. Desire is the root of all suffering. If you can give up your desires--and I'm NOT saying it's easy--then anything becomes possible. You can't give up your desires just by giving up your desires, though. First you've got to own that those are YOUR desires. There's no "good thing" and "bad thing", like an absolute. There's no "one thing better than another", either. All there is is YOU desiring stuff, and stuff out there getting desired. You're the one imposing desire on things. THEN you've got to start to see what your desires do to you, and it ain't pretty. For most of us, you either get what you want and to hell anyone who gets in your way (including the people you want it from), or you don't get what you want and you act like a pouting child about it. I know that's how my automatic responses work, anyway. It's very automatic for me, almost robotic. Once you've seen all that and own it as your mechanism (which isn't bad, btw, it's just how you're wired to work), you can start to set it down and create something else. You can catch yourself in the moment, interrupt nonproductive thoughts and feelings as they arise in you. You can authentically invent a 100-0 relationship, and see how it works. It might have been irresponsible of me to lay out the 100-0 notion without all this background. I can see I've intrigued some people though, so that's good. I think the more people can think about how they actually ARE in relationships, the better things will work for them. You can see this in action in this thread. Imagine this scenerio: I want to have better communication with my partner. So I want that, right? Want it and want it and want it. And she won't communicate with me, so that's The Problem! She won't communicate, and that's in the way of what I want. And so I bug her to communicate with me--because I want that so bad! And every time I bug her, she shuts down a little more. Which isn't what I want! Uh oh! Now I have to REALLY bug her, because I'm getting the OPPOSITE of what I want! And then I wonder why she hasn't talked to me in days! Versus: I see that what I want in this relationship is communication. I see that I think she's not communicating like she should. I see that my tendency will be to bug her about that, and I'm clear the impact that's likely to have. I SET ASIDE my desire to get her to open up, and look to see what's there, after I've done that. What's there is for me to start BEING the communication I want to see. I tell her honestly how I'm feeling, I share this whole process with her. I share with her all my fears and thoughts and hopes. How do you think that leaves her, in terms of her willingness to communicate with me? I should be clear: I'm not good at this yet. I've been studying it in some form for about seven years now, and I'm building my muscle at it, but I wouldn't say I'm good at it yet. But even beginning to work on it provides a huge amount in people's lives. There's some concern here about being taken advantage of. That's valid, and you do have to watch for that. The time may come in a relationship when what's there to do when you set aside your desire (or your anger or your hurt or whatever) is to end the relationship. But that's more powerfully done when the emotional charge is set aside. This is now a total threadjack. Back to abortion, stat!