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Chances are she learned avoidance as a relationship coping mechanism with the controlling older man - much easier to avoid confrontation than to face his wrath and displeasure. Chances are the seeds of this tendency were already there long before she met him, but that just solidified it, and as uncomfortable as this pattern is, it's familiar and she seeks it out and repeats it. Was she abused in any way? What is her relationship with her parents like?
It might be helpful if you could point out that by avoiding things in your relationship she's not reacting to your current situation but to a situation in the past. And while that reaction might have been protective back then, it's hurting your relationship now.
The other thing that would be helpful is for you to not take it personally. She just has a pattern of relating that is pretty set, and you just walked in to be plugged into the script. If you can deal with this without getting upset, it'll give her a lot more freedom to change how she relates to you. The "searching inside and trying harder" maybe just put more pressure on her, or make her feel bad for hurting you. The less emotional you can make the situation, the better. I can't remember where I heard this but someone told me about a couple that had been married for 50 years, and they argued all the time, but their ground rules were that no matter how they fought, they both understood that the relationship was never at stake in the argument - neither of them was going to leave if things didn't turn out their way. It might be helpful for her if you told her gently, when you need to discuss something that she's avoiding, that this is not a relationship-breaker, it's just something that you need to discuss because it's making you uncomfortable.
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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France
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