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Originally Posted by Poppinjay
If you find being a Christian is hurtful to you, re-examine your beliefs, and by all means, look at other ways to worship. -snip- Like how Job and Paul used faith, it's supposed to help you deal.
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Poppinjay makes an excellent point. Raeanna, why do you feel you *have* to go back to church? I hope it is not out of guilt. I threw myself into the church for 10 very formative years of my life and invested heavily in terms of time, money, and my own identity (most costly)... in the end, Christianity was not helpful to me, nor were the majority of its followers. I didn't give up on it entirely, but I stopped going to church and haven't really looked back since.
I feel the same way you do, Raeanna, that I have actually grown and matured more in my post-Christian years (without God, as you say, though I don't see it that way) than I ever did during those 10 years in the church. If that is how you sincerely feel, then why not trust that feeling? I know most evangelicals would writhe over that question... that you would trust yourself instead of God... but gimme a break. If your own mind isn't at peace with the practice of your beliefs, then those beliefs are just a cause for anxiety instead of an aid for peace in your life.
By the way, on your comment about the meaning of life... do you see things as believing in God vs. living a totally hedonistic (pleasure-seeking) life?... I think that in casting your alternative-to-faith as being something inherently flawed/sinful/"pleasure-obsessed," you are not allowing yourself to really seek out your own meaning. You are still thinking within the strict Baptist mold of good vs. bad. As someone who was stuck in that dichotomy (two opposites) for a very long time, and watched as it degraded my quality of life and intelligence, I encourage you to seek out what it means to live a life outside the church, and yet not indulging in every temptation to pleasure that comes along. I believe there is a middle ground... there are many middle grounds! Check out secular humanism on the web (or even Christian humanism, if you want), as a starter.
P.S. It sounds as if you have lost faith in Christians, rather than in God himself... be careful not to associate the character of God with the character of the people you had the bad luck to encounter... that's just my take. Don't lose sight of a good thing (God, spirituality, etc) just because human beings are screwed up.