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One other thing that complicates my thoughts is that I THOUGHT I had been tested. I HAD questioned my faith. I completely abandoned it when I left my first boyfriend who was abusive. How could someone I have loved like that harm me? How could God let that happen? were some of my questions then. I turned and studied Satanism - I couldn't abandon the view there there was a God and a Satan but I did not want to trust God because I'd felt betrayed. I eventually found that that path brought me no happiness. I came back from that and worked as a missionary full time in my town for a time. Threw myself into church. I was happy and fulfilled.
So I've tried throwing myself back into church and it's like swimming against a tide of negative emotions about it. I can't find that joy or any right now.
I thought I'd been tested - so why test me again. So many people said to us "This is for good." "God will draw you closer." etc. But even when I try to be/feel closer I just feel fake and angry.
Guess you can see I'm pretty confused.
Thanks for the comments so far. They are helping me think. I I had never thought about the coin in that way. Thanks
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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma. 
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