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josie · 10-15-2005, 12:42 AM

Toby - A couple of things. First of all - I don't fantasize when I masturbate - I actually count (don't laugh, it's true). I've been sexually active for over twenty years now and enjoy sex tremendously, but in addition to that I've been masturbating since I was a child, and I have always counted. It's almost like a contest I have with myself- can I orgasm before I reach 100? But masturbation is just a means to an end for me, it's become one of the ways I comfort myself instead of an actual sexual experience, and I'm female, so this might make a difference in that I don't have to maintain an erection by any means, but what I'm saying is to each his own, you know-whatever works for you.

I don't have personal experience with gender confusion or lack of sexual desire, but I have a friend who just told me that she has lived with a guy for over a year, sleeping with him in the same bed, etc... but that she has never been penetrated, and not just by him, by anyone. She's 26 and has had several serious relationships, but is technically still a virgin. She said that she is the one who is wary of penetration, but I also am pretty amazed that there is a guy out there who would be so patient, unless he had some of his own issues around it. So you're not the only one- although I can't tell you what it means.

I think the key is the self-esteem issues you have. Sex is very intimate, and you are putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable position (in terms of rejection) when you engage. This might be be more than you can imagine yourself handling, so your brain is telling you you don't want it - at least not with another person -so you won't have to take that risk. I guess I would say wait until you know someone you're really comfortable talking with and have built some kind of trusting relationship with. Someone who you knows cares about you and your feelings beyond the sexual. And then you might feel safe enough to begin feeling desire toward that person. You're only 21, that's still young, and thinking that you're abnormal in some way is probably adding to the feelings you have that you're not worthy, and will be rejected, and is part of a vicious cycle around the whole issue.

In terms of "walking around your university without feeling like a lightening rod for contempt"- that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely way to live. Have you gotten counseling for your self-esteem issues? Do you know what their basis is? Do you have anyone you can talk to about this stuff who will give you their outside and maybe more objective and realistic perception? That might be a good place to start.
Anyway - I hope it all works out for you. Good luck.

10-15-2005, 12:42 AM	#31 (permalink)
josie Upright Location: UK	Toby - A couple of things. First of all - I don't fantasize when I masturbate - I actually count (don't laugh, it's true). I've been sexually active for over twenty years now and enjoy sex tremendously, but in addition to that I've been masturbating since I was a child, and I have always counted. It's almost like a contest I have with myself- can I orgasm before I reach 100? But masturbation is just a means to an end for me, it's become one of the ways I comfort myself instead of an actual sexual experience, and I'm female, so this might make a difference in that I don't have to maintain an erection by any means, but what I'm saying is to each his own, you know-whatever works for you. I don't have personal experience with gender confusion or lack of sexual desire, but I have a friend who just told me that she has lived with a guy for over a year, sleeping with him in the same bed, etc... but that she has never been penetrated, and not just by him, by anyone. She's 26 and has had several serious relationships, but is technically still a virgin. She said that she is the one who is wary of penetration, but I also am pretty amazed that there is a guy out there who would be so patient, unless he had some of his own issues around it. So you're not the only one- although I can't tell you what it means. I think the key is the self-esteem issues you have. Sex is very intimate, and you are putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable position (in terms of rejection) when you engage. This might be be more than you can imagine yourself handling, so your brain is telling you you don't want it - at least not with another person -so you won't have to take that risk. I guess I would say wait until you know someone you're really comfortable talking with and have built some kind of trusting relationship with. Someone who you knows cares about you and your feelings beyond the sexual. And then you might feel safe enough to begin feeling desire toward that person. You're only 21, that's still young, and thinking that you're abnormal in some way is probably adding to the feelings you have that you're not worthy, and will be rejected, and is part of a vicious cycle around the whole issue. In terms of "walking around your university without feeling like a lightening rod for contempt"- that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely way to live. Have you gotten counseling for your self-esteem issues? Do you know what their basis is? Do you have anyone you can talk to about this stuff who will give you their outside and maybe more objective and realistic perception? That might be a good place to start. Anyway - I hope it all works out for you. Good luck.