Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Non-physical "what is too far" cheating question

simivin · 10-14-2005, 04:20 PM

Abaya, here are my responses to your questions:

1) There might be a slight amount of sexual tension but not much. Let me elaborate. I have thought about her and wondered, but not often and not much or anything I would consider significant; as for masturbation, I think she has flitted across my mind, but never more than a brief thought (I think the fact that I'm not really certain that I've thought of her says something). She is certainly not someone I think about often in that sense or fantasize about. If I was single and she was single, I would probably try to date her -- but not because there is this burning desire or anything. More just because we're close friends, we've had missed opportunities, and there would be a curiousity to actually try a real relationship. Really, that's how I think of her -- more just out of curiousity.

2) Well, only Sarah has lost relationships because of our friendship. When we were seniors, I asked an ex to Homecoming (I thought something was there and I was loyal -- otherwise I would have asked Sarah). Sarah went then went with someone else and dating him for about 10 months. At first I toned our friendship down a lot, because I didn't want to get in the way, but then after a month or two we picked up our friendship again. Anyway, I guess this caused a lot of tensions between her and her BF, but I never made any moves to even suggest her breaking up with him. Then I guess other relationships of hers fell apart because of me because, well, I guess she compared them to me or her feelings for me or something? She's been dating this other guy for about 10 months now, someone she really loved, and unfortunately has been going through some relationship problems (I guess I've been a thorn in his side before). I've tried to help her and offer advice as a (objective) friend, but I leave the decision making up to her (even though I think she should break up with him, since he violated her trust). The point is that neither of us has tried to make the other breakup or lose a relationship. I guess, after that long-winded recount, the answer to your question is just that the SOs felt insecure or had a problem with the attention we showed to each other as friends.

3) My GF hasn't met Sarah yet basically because of distance. I went to school out west and only recently moved east for grad school. However, I'm still far from where I graduated (even went to two high school) so haven't seen any of my HS friends in about 2 years...in fact, Sarah was the last person I've seen, and that was 2 years ago. So my GF hasn't met Sarah, but I haven't even seen Sarah in a long time! As for meeting, I wouldn't mind, but it would be hard at this point to do so without creating an artifical or awkward situation.

4) That makes perfect sense abaya -- and that might be some of what she feels. So the question is, how do we go about fixing that? And fixing that without sacrifing Sarah as a cost? I mean, I could drop Sarah as a friend, and that would help, but that isn't really what I want to do.

Thank you very much for your comments, abaya. You're all very helpful.

10-14-2005, 04:20 PM	#11 (permalink)
simivin Banned	Abaya, here are my responses to your questions: 1) There might be a slight amount of sexual tension but not much. Let me elaborate. I have thought about her and wondered, but not often and not much or anything I would consider significant; as for masturbation, I think she has flitted across my mind, but never more than a brief thought (I think the fact that I'm not really certain that I've thought of her says something). She is certainly not someone I think about often in that sense or fantasize about. If I was single and she was single, I would probably try to date her -- but not because there is this burning desire or anything. More just because we're close friends, we've had missed opportunities, and there would be a curiousity to actually try a real relationship. Really, that's how I think of her -- more just out of curiousity. 2) Well, only Sarah has lost relationships because of our friendship. When we were seniors, I asked an ex to Homecoming (I thought something was there and I was loyal -- otherwise I would have asked Sarah). Sarah went then went with someone else and dating him for about 10 months. At first I toned our friendship down a lot, because I didn't want to get in the way, but then after a month or two we picked up our friendship again. Anyway, I guess this caused a lot of tensions between her and her BF, but I never made any moves to even suggest her breaking up with him. Then I guess other relationships of hers fell apart because of me because, well, I guess she compared them to me or her feelings for me or something? She's been dating this other guy for about 10 months now, someone she really loved, and unfortunately has been going through some relationship problems (I guess I've been a thorn in his side before). I've tried to help her and offer advice as a (objective) friend, but I leave the decision making up to her (even though I think she should break up with him, since he violated her trust). The point is that neither of us has tried to make the other breakup or lose a relationship. I guess, after that long-winded recount, the answer to your question is just that the SOs felt insecure or had a problem with the attention we showed to each other as friends. 3) My GF hasn't met Sarah yet basically because of distance. I went to school out west and only recently moved east for grad school. However, I'm still far from where I graduated (even went to two high school) so haven't seen any of my HS friends in about 2 years...in fact, Sarah was the last person I've seen, and that was 2 years ago. So my GF hasn't met Sarah, but I haven't even seen Sarah in a long time! As for meeting, I wouldn't mind, but it would be hard at this point to do so without creating an artifical or awkward situation. 4) That makes perfect sense abaya -- and that might be some of what she feels. So the question is, how do we go about fixing that? And fixing that without sacrifing Sarah as a cost? I mean, I could drop Sarah as a friend, and that would help, but that isn't really what I want to do. Thank you very much for your comments, abaya. You're all very helpful.