Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Non-physical "what is too far" cheating question

simivin · 10-14-2005, 03:38 PM

Thank you very much for the replies so far -- it's good to hear some others' insights. Here are some additional variables and comments that you might find pertinent:

- My GF and I are very, very open in our communication. It's a great thing and very valuable. However, sometimes we've asked too many questions or been too open, resulting in some insecurities on both ends (see some other of my posts for my end). We both recognize this and have been trying to work on ourselves individually; my GF has done a good job at this, overall, in my opinion, even if there are still things that her (we) struggle with. And yes, we apologize often to each other for this, because we know it isn't good, isn't fair to the other person, and is basically all that is hampering our relationship.

- We both have been cheated on in the past. Mine was a single GF; she, unfortunately, had a number of bad boyfriends that manipulated her, or cheated on her (or came close to the line), and just treated her poorly. That goes along with what you said doncalypso and you too abaya. It's hard for her to think that nothing is going on with how Sarah acts or how our friendship is (or with me...but she says she trusts me)

- Ironically, my GF's best friend is a guy she's known since HS as well. I ended up meeting this guy when a group of us went rafting, and was anxious about it myself (so I know somewhat where she's coming from), but tried to supress those feelings and not let it bother me; after meeting him, it doesn't really bother me much anymore. My GF thinks that maybe if/when she meets Sarah, it won't be so much of a big deal (otherwise she's this mystery), and so that's a possibility.

- Shani, I think that's great that you have friends like that and that 1) you're so trustworthy and 2) that your SO is so trusting. I can also empathize with your sentiment about not dating someone who won't let you be such friends. That's about how I feel -- my friendship with Sarah is important enough that I would consider breaking up with someone who desired to end that friendship. However, my GF doesn't want me to end it, to her credit...but it still bothers her.

- And you're right doncalypso: Sarah and I could have done something a long time ago. For whatever reason we didn't. As for our friendship, it has been like this since my senior year of high school, regardless of who we've been dating -- while we've always been close emotionally as good friends, nothing ever happened that I would consider cheating. Like I said, we've respected each others' relationships (although more than one has fallen apart because it couldn't handle our friendship).

- As for emotional intimacy, my GF is the person I go to first, even ahead of my parents. I mean, I know I could go to Sarah, but I choose to go to my GF because I want to; and I haven't even told Sarah some of the things I've told my GF. However, I don't think this means I can't have deep conversations with Sarah either.

So, I think that hit most additional points I wanted to say. Any other thoughts? Thanks!

Sim

PS: Abaya, yes, I know that title might not have conveyed exactly what I wanted, but I didn't really know how else to phrase it! I do think my GF thinks it is -- or is close to -- cheating, so perhaps it is appropriate from her perspective.

10-14-2005, 03:38 PM	#5 (permalink)
simivin Banned	Thank you very much for the replies so far -- it's good to hear some others' insights. Here are some additional variables and comments that you might find pertinent: - My GF and I are very, very open in our communication. It's a great thing and very valuable. However, sometimes we've asked too many questions or been too open, resulting in some insecurities on both ends (see some other of my posts for my end). We both recognize this and have been trying to work on ourselves individually; my GF has done a good job at this, overall, in my opinion, even if there are still things that her (we) struggle with. And yes, we apologize often to each other for this, because we know it isn't good, isn't fair to the other person, and is basically all that is hampering our relationship. - We both have been cheated on in the past. Mine was a single GF; she, unfortunately, had a number of bad boyfriends that manipulated her, or cheated on her (or came close to the line), and just treated her poorly. That goes along with what you said doncalypso and you too abaya. It's hard for her to think that nothing is going on with how Sarah acts or how our friendship is (or with me...but she says she trusts me) - Ironically, my GF's best friend is a guy she's known since HS as well. I ended up meeting this guy when a group of us went rafting, and was anxious about it myself (so I know somewhat where she's coming from), but tried to supress those feelings and not let it bother me; after meeting him, it doesn't really bother me much anymore. My GF thinks that maybe if/when she meets Sarah, it won't be so much of a big deal (otherwise she's this mystery), and so that's a possibility. - Shani, I think that's great that you have friends like that and that 1) you're so trustworthy and 2) that your SO is so trusting. I can also empathize with your sentiment about not dating someone who won't let you be such friends. That's about how I feel -- my friendship with Sarah is important enough that I would consider breaking up with someone who desired to end that friendship. However, my GF doesn't want me to end it, to her credit...but it still bothers her. - And you're right doncalypso: Sarah and I could have done something a long time ago. For whatever reason we didn't. As for our friendship, it has been like this since my senior year of high school, regardless of who we've been dating -- while we've always been close emotionally as good friends, nothing ever happened that I would consider cheating. Like I said, we've respected each others' relationships (although more than one has fallen apart because it couldn't handle our friendship). - As for emotional intimacy, my GF is the person I go to first, even ahead of my parents. I mean, I know I could go to Sarah, but I choose to go to my GF because I want to; and I haven't even told Sarah some of the things I've told my GF. However, I don't think this means I can't have deep conversations with Sarah either. So, I think that hit most additional points I wanted to say. Any other thoughts? Thanks! Sim PS: Abaya, yes, I know that title might not have conveyed exactly what I wanted, but I didn't really know how else to phrase it! I do think my GF thinks it is -- or is close to -- cheating, so perhaps it is appropriate from her perspective.