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A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to
talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the
following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not refered to as Daddy,
Junior and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as Big T
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat
me!"
12. The Virgin Mary is not refered to as the "Mary with the
Cherry."
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A Dub-Dub,
Thanks for the grub, Yeah God."
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
__________________
"Oh, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83 when I was the only practitioner of it, and I stopped because I was tired of being stared at."
Omnia mutantu, nos et mutamur in illis.
All things change, and we change with them.
- Neil Gaiman, Marvel 1602
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