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skysooner · 09-29-2005, 05:51 AM

This sounds so much like me at that age it was almost scary. I had my first girlfriend at age 12, and it was about the same way. Nobody knows who they are at that age, so their perception of who they should be is shaped by the popular kids or television. Not even the popular kids know who they are, but whatever they are doing seems to work for them, so they continue it.

In high school, I started to have a bunch of success with women, but it was based on how I looked and not in any way about how I talked to them. I was much too bright for my own good and was interested in the world and how it worked rather than the things most kids were worried about. It didn't make for long-standing relationships with women. Instead it made for great physical relationships for a brief time. However I still had no clue about how to really talk to women.

Along came my wife in the last part of my college years. She couldn't talk to men any better than I could talk to women. We met through a personal ad and talked on the phone. I had always been able to talk to women on the phone instead of personally since there was no real pressure to be cool and body language wasn't an issue. We hit it off and have been married for 14 years. In that time, she has made me much more comfortable with myself as a person. I can talk to her about anything. She did give me some good advice one time though. She said, why can't other people see the funny you that I can. I finally realized that I was letting "stage fright" get to me, and I was putting on an act in public instead of being me.

Here it is many years later and now I can talk to women. You know what the secret it? Don't overthink it and just talk. Don't overwhelm them, listen when they talk, respond appropriately and don't let any rejection get to you. Of course it is a little easier when you are married and not looking to end up with someone. If you approach all women like this though when you are single, you will meet some cool women. If I hadn't been married, there are at least a few recently that would most definitely have gone out with me.

Two situations stand out. There is this really cute Asian girl who is in our IT group. I knew her peripherally and had always thought she seemed shy. She was coming into my office to do a 30 minute software install. I noticed that she had a wedding band on which I had not noticed before. I simply asked her how long she had been married. She said 3 years and what began was a long conversation about her marriage, where she was from originally and what she thought about growing up in Oklahoma the last few years. When she left, she said, "You are so easy to talk to. Most people around here think I am weird". The second happened this morning. I have seen a woman who works in another office in our building quite a bit over the last couple of years. I have always found her to be attractive, but she always had this deer in the headlight looks that didn't allow for approaching. Since I am not trying to actually meet someone, I always felt like she was guarded (i.e. not in an approachable frame of mind). I noticed awhile back that she was losing weight. While she wasn't heavy to begin with, she was losing a little weight that made her more attractive. I hadn't seen her in almost 3 months recently when I saw that she was in the little cafe downstairs waiting for food. I always get a morning bagel there and went in. I smiled at her, and she seemed receptive. So I approached her and said I had noticed that she had lost weight and what program did she use. She immediately said Weight Watchers. This was the same program I used to lose 65 lbs, so we had something to talk about. I found out her name, the fact that she doesn't have children yet and her eating habits. I shook her hand, said nice to meet you and went back to my office. Now I have a new friend. This is something I would not have been able to do years ago, because I would have overthought it. I met a nice person, made a good impression, and it was me.

Doing this can serve you through life in many different ways.

09-29-2005, 05:51 AM	#7 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	This sounds so much like me at that age it was almost scary. I had my first girlfriend at age 12, and it was about the same way. Nobody knows who they are at that age, so their perception of who they should be is shaped by the popular kids or television. Not even the popular kids know who they are, but whatever they are doing seems to work for them, so they continue it. In high school, I started to have a bunch of success with women, but it was based on how I looked and not in any way about how I talked to them. I was much too bright for my own good and was interested in the world and how it worked rather than the things most kids were worried about. It didn't make for long-standing relationships with women. Instead it made for great physical relationships for a brief time. However I still had no clue about how to really talk to women. Along came my wife in the last part of my college years. She couldn't talk to men any better than I could talk to women. We met through a personal ad and talked on the phone. I had always been able to talk to women on the phone instead of personally since there was no real pressure to be cool and body language wasn't an issue. We hit it off and have been married for 14 years. In that time, she has made me much more comfortable with myself as a person. I can talk to her about anything. She did give me some good advice one time though. She said, why can't other people see the funny you that I can. I finally realized that I was letting "stage fright" get to me, and I was putting on an act in public instead of being me. Here it is many years later and now I can talk to women. You know what the secret it? Don't overthink it and just talk. Don't overwhelm them, listen when they talk, respond appropriately and don't let any rejection get to you. Of course it is a little easier when you are married and not looking to end up with someone. If you approach all women like this though when you are single, you will meet some cool women. If I hadn't been married, there are at least a few recently that would most definitely have gone out with me. Two situations stand out. There is this really cute Asian girl who is in our IT group. I knew her peripherally and had always thought she seemed shy. She was coming into my office to do a 30 minute software install. I noticed that she had a wedding band on which I had not noticed before. I simply asked her how long she had been married. She said 3 years and what began was a long conversation about her marriage, where she was from originally and what she thought about growing up in Oklahoma the last few years. When she left, she said, "You are so easy to talk to. Most people around here think I am weird". The second happened this morning. I have seen a woman who works in another office in our building quite a bit over the last couple of years. I have always found her to be attractive, but she always had this deer in the headlight looks that didn't allow for approaching. Since I am not trying to actually meet someone, I always felt like she was guarded (i.e. not in an approachable frame of mind). I noticed awhile back that she was losing weight. While she wasn't heavy to begin with, she was losing a little weight that made her more attractive. I hadn't seen her in almost 3 months recently when I saw that she was in the little cafe downstairs waiting for food. I always get a morning bagel there and went in. I smiled at her, and she seemed receptive. So I approached her and said I had noticed that she had lost weight and what program did she use. She immediately said Weight Watchers. This was the same program I used to lose 65 lbs, so we had something to talk about. I found out her name, the fact that she doesn't have children yet and her eating habits. I shook her hand, said nice to meet you and went back to my office. Now I have a new friend. This is something I would not have been able to do years ago, because I would have overthought it. I met a nice person, made a good impression, and it was me. Doing this can serve you through life in many different ways.