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Originally Posted by pigglet
lurkette,
when you say it is specific to this particular woman, i would have to be curious at to the nature of y'all's relationship. how long have you known each other, have you been competitive in some other area, etc.
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pigglet, you are wise (as ratbastid pointed out).
Deb is both my best friend and my girlfriend. I didn't want to get into the girlfriend part of the relationship because that's not really relevant for this situation - I'm not jealous of HER attention, I'm jealous that she is the center of attention and I'm not. We've known each other for 2-3 years, and from the moment we met we have each felt insecure and inadequate compared to the other. I think she's attractive, outgoing, popular and radiant, she thinks I'm organized, brilliant, beautiful and have my shit together. We take turns being in each other's shadows. She hates that I've been dancing for only 2 years and I'm pretty much as good as she is after 6. I hate that she has big boobs and can fill out cleavagey shirts. She used to be the best at word games till she met me; I kick her ass by miles. Etc. etc.
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It sounds like y'all have known each other for a long time - do you expect more self-awareness from her than she seems to exhibit? what is your interaction like when y'all are alone?
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I absolutely do expect more self-awareness from her; she knows she does this, and she just doesn't care. She acts like she can't turn it off, and she knows she can. She just doesn't want to (and frankly, who can blame her; the main problem is that I WANT TO BE THE ATTENTION WHORE but I am 1. embarassed by that desire, and 2. don't think anybody would pay attention to me if I tried, which I know is just self-defeatist bullshit, but when I'm in that moment of jealousy and insecurity, I feel like it's true.
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i've become annoyed with friends before when they "turned" superficial in public, but I think the main reason is that I felt like it somwhat invalidated our friendship. I mean, are they the intelligent person I interact with, or are they the vapid insecure igit they display?
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That's kind of it - I feel like I don't exist when she does this. For her and for other people. If it were anybody else, I would probably just roll my eyes. But for her to be doing this when she knows it gets me makes me feel double invisible. Like I can't count on her to take care of my feelings. I know I'm an adult and it's my responsibility to take care of my feelings, but I also feel a little hurt that she does this. When we talked about it yesterday she says that "when I'm myself and self-expressed, I'm just attractive, and I don't feel like I should have to feel bad about that." She has a point, but it's still not easy to hear.
She's not the only person this happens with. I mentioned my friend Sharlet, who was my best friend in high school. It also happened with my sister-in-law, Becky. She married ratbastid's brother, and she's got beautiful, perfect skin and thick strawberry blond hair and big boobs and she has a beautiful voice - she could be a pro. And she came into a family where, for a long time, I was the only daughter-in-law. I was just seethingly jealous to the point where I couldn't be in the same room with her. I eventually got over it and now I just have pangs, but she's not the same kind of show-offy drama queen that Deb is; she's just pretty and talented.
Pretty much anywhere I go, I will find one person to fixate on and to compare myself to and find myself coming up short. It's a bad habit. And yet, I don't know how to stop it, particularly with Deb, when we push each other's buttons.