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Originally Posted by apolian
She just makes those random comments. When she does, I don't know what her point is or how she's feeling emotionally. I typically say something like "do you think about that alot?", to which she starts to weave her way out of the conversation (drop the topic). Some times I have tried to push for discussion saying "there must be a problem if you keep bringing it up" to which she denies, even becoming aggressive in tone, and it just ends up becoming depressing - like we had a fight.
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To be honest with you Apolian, I would take offense to the tone in your responses, too. Here's what I would hear, given what you said:
"Do you think about that a lot?" translates into: "Why are you obsessing over that?... I was over it ages ago. You need to get over it."
"There must be a problem if you keep bringing it up" translates into: "You're such a problem, why do you have to keep bringing it up, since I want to forget about it?"
You see what I mean? Both approaches aren't really inviting her to share her feelings. You're basically accusing her of having issues and then shutting down her emotional response. Even though you don't mean to sound that way, that's how she's gonna hear it (as far as I know, since I've never met her before).
The key is, you said that your biggest source of confusion is not knowing how she's feeling emotionally. Have you tried just plain asking, "How do you feel when you talk about that stuff, hon?" Ask her how she's felt since the abortion, if there have been any painful times or regrets... really probe all of the possible emotional outcomes with her until she starts to agree to some of them.
Or maybe ask, "Hon, when you bring up the abortion, I feel like you want me to respond, but I'm not sure how to. Can you help me figure out what you need me to do, in order for you to feel loved right now?" I can't imagine any woman responding in a hostile manner to that approach!!
Just my opinion.