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BAMF,
First, I think you need to just bite the bullet on both a visit to your doctor and the prep-H, if you're positive you've got a hemmoroid. They deal with this stuff all day long. If it helps you while you're in line, pretend you're buying it as a practical joke for a friend, or on a dare or something.
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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style
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