simivin

Alright, I've posted a few times before, but could use some advice with my relationship -- and whether to end it or work at it.

My GF and I have been dating about 5 and a half months now. She's 19 and a sophomore; I'm 22 and just started grad school. My undergrad was quite restrictive and I didn't date as often as I could/should have (owing also to being in a long distance, long term relationship the first year and a half, with no serious relationship after). Anyways, we find we are quite compatible -- she can work with my career goals, family goals are relatively similar, can have good conversations, enjoy adventures together (took a month long trip soon after my graduation and survived and had fun), and have a great sex life. So, I see lots of good things here.

But here's the problem. Sometimes it's up -- I feel so in love, nothing wrong, whatever. But sometimes it's down -- I wonder if I should be in the relationship, if I dated enough, etc. There are more ups than downs, but owing to various issues that have arisen, we have had numerous fights -- when in the past I almost never fought with my GFs. Furthermore, I'm overanalytical sometimes...sometimes too much so. She said, once, a few months ago, that "I always feel like I'm doing something wrong." Perhaps me seeing the bad so often is my problem, or a possibly indicates there is a problem in our relationship? Even when we first started dating, I held back some; I was cautious, because I hadn't felt knocked off my feet in so long (possibly due to my old relationship that didn't work).

Enter another aspect of the problem. One of my best friends from high school -- who I've known for 6 years -- and I had liked each other and on numerous occasions, missed dating due to timing issues or nervousness or the like. We didn't date in high school because of timing, we didn't date in college because I didn't go on spring break with her, or said something that came off wrong and she didn't come out to visit. Anyways, this had been going on until about Christmas-time last year, so was relatively close to when I started daing my current GF. While I didn't talk to this friend much in the spring, I didn't think much about it, but over the summer and now, the thought has crossed my mind and I've wondered.

My current GF doesn't like that. She feels that if I look at other girls, even just in passing, that my whole heart doesn't belong to her. She feels that if I wonder sometimes, like about my friend, that my whole heart doesn't belong to her. I love her, but sometimes I wonder, to some degree, whether I love her enough. And then, I've felt guilty about talking to friends sometimes (although we talked about it last week and she was trying to work on it).

However, the last two days exploded in my face. My GF was talking about a couple she knows that's having problems. She asked me along the same lines, then asked how much I love her, etc. I said, 50% of the time no or few doubts, 30% some doubts, 20% more doubts. She feels that isn't enough -- that it has to be all the way or nothing. And then this friend part entered again. "Do you wonder sometimes?" "yes" "well how can we get rid of the wonderings" etc. So after many hours of painful talk, we decided to put a pause on our relationship so that I could go see this friend and just get an idea of what's there.

So I talk to the friend the next day and since a party wasn't happening, we decided to just meet for dinner, as friends, to catch up on old times, and to talk if need be. It's been similar for her in the past -- she compared BFs to me, she's in a tenuous relationship in a sense, anddoesn't want to hurt the guy, and so on. I passed some of these conversations to my GF so she wouldn't feel like I was hiding anything and so she knew the purpose of our meeting was not to just run off together.

Bad news all around. She's upset, I tell my friend I have to say goodbye for a while (because not talking to her was basically the only time I didn't wonder, even though I enjoy talking to her), so now she's upset, and I am obviously upset. It's all been downhill. Last night, my GF and my friend were worried for me, since I live alone and I broke my phone, so have no real way to talk to anyone but the computer. My GF doesnt have a car, so cant get down here and wants me to drive up (4 hours). My friend told me to make a decision -- either I drive to see her, or she comes to see me. I didn't want to drive, so she was going to come here, just to talk, whatever. My GF is upset that my friend is taking her role of helping me, is taking her place, even though I assure her she isn't. Anyway, no one comes. I talk with my friend some more, kind of just about relationship stuff (she's 23, so older). And I tell my GF that maybe we need to take a break to figure things out.

So that's where things are now. My GF doesn't see how a break can help; she feels we can work things out together; she feels that if we break it off, it's over forever, finis. I feel like there's an outside chance we can get through this together, but with the impact my friend has had, some doubts that I have had, and the pain of conversations like this, I don't know.

What do you think? Is this my problem that is keeping the relationship from working, or a problem with the relationship itself? Should we break it off or take a "break" or try to work it out? What's the rationale behind any of those, and how could they work; how do we know that space can contribute to fixing things? Is it just an age difference, relationship-goal difference right now?

I need advice soon because I'm going to see her this evening. We're going to talk about things, and if we stay together I'd like to have more confidence that all this is normal and is something we can work through; and if we're going to break it off, I'd like to know how that can be better than working on it together? I feel like, barring some things that have been issues before, and all this, and my own problem with just letting myself relax in this relationship (which I think is a broader, personal problem anyway -- I think I might suffer from depression), this relationship has potential to be good...and hence why I'm trying to look at more possibilites and the possibility that we break off now so we can work better later.

Please help me, if you can. I know this is my own issue and my own heart/head and what I feel, but advice and thoughts would really be helpful. Thanks and sorry for such a long diatribe.

Sim