Quote:
|
Originally Posted by MrSelfDestruct
The bad thing isn't that you depend on a willing source of support, the problem is that you are either unwilling, or emotionally and mentally incapable of acting without that support.
|
In certain situations, this is true. I don't really think it's a bad thing, though. Some people need more support than others in certain areas. Grace can't cook to save her life, while I happen to be quite good at it. I provide her with support in one way, she provides me with support in another. It's not a 50-50 thing, as she'd function without me a lot better than I would without her, but she doesn't seem to mind that I get more of the relationship than she does. It's a good system for us.
Quote:
|
If Grace were abducted by aliens tonight and not returned for a month, do you feel that you would be capable of living your life in the same way without her presence, or would you have to make significant changes? There's a difference between accepting support and relying on it.
|
Of course I'd have to make major changes. She is my wife, my life mate, the love of my life. Her absense would make a profound difference in most areas of my life. I think most people would say the same of their spouses.
Quote:
|
The only authority you have is the power and control that they yield to you. if your middle school class were to turn against you, you would be more utterly powerless to stop them on your own than you would be to stop a lone attacker. The fact that they have been conditioned by society to respect your authority is the only thing keeping you from being harmed by a mob that would rather be doing just about anyhting but sitting through another day of classes. An attacker (and that's what this guy was) does not yield any amount of power or respect to you, and therefore is able to comfortably violate your presonal space and assault you.
|
I agree completely. In the classroom, I begin with the authority automatically granted to my position, and can build on that. The position I occupy gives me the power to help or harm them. I start with a foundation on which to build.
As an individual in the everyday world, I don't have any authority automatically granted me, nor the power to help or harm others to any great degree. The tools I use to maintain order in my classroom, authority, power, and that most of the kids like me and enjoy my class, don't exist anywhere else other than my home, so there's no way to transfer the confidence I feel in that setting to others where I'm not in a position of authority and have very little power.
Quote:
|
Considering the fact that you are a petite woman, many attackers would be able to close in on you fairly easily. What you need to do at the very least is not to fight when you can escape the situation, but perpare yourself for a situation in which fighitng may be your only choice.
|
Or even better, avoid being in a situation which would require me to defend myself. You don't need to be able to handle a risky situation if you don't put yourself in that situation in the first place.
Quote:
|
You say that most police officers are killed with their own guns , but civilians who fight back with guns are more than ten times less likely to be harmed than someone who offers no resistance. I don't know where your statistic that most rape victims fight back comes from, but wihtout fighting back you have no chance at all.
|
I wasn't debating the effectiveness of fighting back vs. offering no resistance or the effectiveness of guns as defensive weapons. The post to which I was responding was claiming that if you have a mental line that you won't allow others to cross without retaliation, they won't cross it. Taking a police officer's gun from him is a pretty obvious line that no cop in the world is going to allow an attacker to cross unmolested, and is done with the likely consequence being death or at least getting shot, yet it still happens.
Quote:
|
I am writing this from the point of view of someone who was picked on and beaten up repeatedly throughout middle school. After the worst incident, more of my left side was bruised from being kicked than was left unharmed. During high school, I earne dthe nickname "the punching bag" because I never fought back. One day, someone jumped on my back, and deciding that I had takne enough abuse, I flipped him over onto his back, knocking the wind out of him. To this day, the confidence I gained by knowing that I am capable of fighting back has helped me to keep my head high, and not once (excluding violent mosh pits) have I been the target of an assault of any kind. Only a few dozen people saw me fight back, yet nobody has touched me since.
|
That's wonderful. I have no idea what a mosh pit is, but if going there is likely to result in an assault, the obvious solution to me is don't go there.
I'm glad you dealt with your situation. I've developed a way of dealing with mine that works for me. Avoid the risk, retreat when I can't.
Quote:
|
By developing this confidence, even if you simply take someone's hand off of your body and firmly tell them to stop, you can feel that confidence that you do not yet possess. The more often a petite, timid woman fights back in public, the clearer the message will be to predators that their actions will not be tolerated.
|
That message already exists, it permeates our society at all levels. The guy who puts his hand on a woman's butt or breast has already demonstrated that he believes that the rules of society against sexual assault don't apply to him. He's already demonstrated a fundamental disregard for the rules of society and shown that he's dangerous. I'm simply not physically equipped to deal with people like that on a physical level, and that scares me.
Does that make me a coward? Probably, which is why I'd make a really poor soldier or police officer or even paramedic.
Quote:
|
I don't want you to be a victim ever again. If we ever meet, I want to see you standing tall and proud, knowing that you do not need help from anyone to live your life without any fear of being a victim.
|
Me neither. The best way I can think of to do that is not to go alone to places where that risk exists. That's a small price to pay for feeling secure.
Sure it would be nice to feel secure everywhere like I do when I'm in one of my comfort zones, at home or at school or out with Grace, but that's not going to be happening anytime soon if ever, so I just have to live with things the way they are.
Quote:
|
If you can say to someone who tires to grope you, "Don't ever do that again," and take his wrist and move his hand away from you, you will feel the confidence you need, and you'll feel a sense of elation knowing that you can fend for yourself.
|
I can see that, and you're probably right, and for what it's worth, my therapist agrees with you that this is the best response. Firmly erect a barrier with my words, actions, and attitude without escalating the physical aspect of the encounter.
He also suggested, as Grace and Sissy have, that I try to transfer my attitude from my classes to other situations. Treat a boy like this as if he were on of my seventh graders, most of whom are bigger than I am.
I'm just not in a place where I'm able to do that right now.
Gilda