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perhaps you find it weak because, unlike most of your work, it's straight forward in descriptives. nothing wrong with that.
I would change 'ever making patterns on my beached mind' to something more like 'patterns forever etched on my beached mind', thus eliminating the 'ing' suffix that repeats.
otherwise, it's not as weak as you perceive it to be.
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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.
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