simivin

Astrahl, thanks for the quick reply. In a nutshell...well, it is too conglomerated to fit in a nutshell because there are so many things/emotions that I have tied into it and associated it with. But here are some of the things that are going through my head, in no particular order.

I think about the number of people she has slept with and what they did -- sometimes things her and I do make me think about her doing things with them, sometimes far too explicitly for comfort, if that makes sense. I think about her thinking about her other lovers, wondering what kind of context it is in, etc. I think about her being younger and me being older, yet a reverse of sexual experience; part of me feels like my role is backwards since I was the virgin and she was not. I've often thought about the opportunities I had missed in the past (yet at the time those were decisions I made, I realize that), opportunities that 1) would have maybe prevented me from being so anxious and neurotic like I am now 2) would have given me a better perspective on things and 3) would have given me more sexual experiences (note: she said, when we first were discussing this months ago, that it was ok to have sex with someone else, to get that experience [just not to tell her] or we could do a threesome. However, I'm not entirely comfortable with either of those options, and the first one is too close to cheating for comfort). Thinking about missed opportunities leads me to thinking about other girls I know, and if things would have worked out with them, and if this is the best thing for me, etc. Or wondering what it would have been like to share my virginity with another virgin.

Another aspect of this that -- perhaps -- is unique, is that I knew her 7 years ago. We liked each other then, but it had trailed off because I didn't write her again or call her again when I moved away. So I feel that if I had done things differently in the past, that it would have worked out better now -- either she wouldn't have had sex with so many people or we would have been each others first. And the way she's made it sound, she didn't even really understand the importance of sex and such until after she had lost her virginity (being in jr high and not having a lot of guidance from parents), so I wished I could have taken care of her, or that her parents were there for her, or that her bf at the time wouldn't have wanted it...etc. So I see it as me & her...then this time in between...then me & her again. And she gives me so much -- "I have given you everything" -- and I don't feel like I'm reciprocating well enough, or that it's too easy so I'm getting bored...?

And then the other things: me graduating undergrad...going somewhere new...feeling more confident around girls as of the past year or two...thinking I want a long-term, marriage oriented relationship, but not sure because of the last point. Thinking I rushed into an exclusive relationship when I shouldn't have; rushing into sex too fast when I shouldn't have. Asking numbers and history when I thought I was comfortable with it, only to find that I wished I hadn't, but can't forget.

As for thought-experiments in reverse, I have tried over and over, hoping that I could understand the perspective well enough that I wouldn't overthink anymore. Unfortunately, it hasn't helped completely and I still think. And the rational things that people have mentioned here -- I understand and I agree (in response to the one poster who quoted my earlier post) -- but it's hard to think rationally about something that I have become so emotional about.

We've talked, like I said, but they have been so emotional for both of us that I hate doing that to her. And I would like to think reasoning would help (ironically, I am getting an MA in philosophy), but that's just the problem: I continually reason and think. Perhaps it is just being away from her that is making me think so much, but I did it -- albeit to a lesser extent -- when she was around, too.

I've noticed some things about myself, however. First, with sexual relationship: I've had three relationships that have been sexually intimate (if not sex) probably too fast and the other two I ultimately ended after about a month or less, at least one of which after thinking a lot about two. Second, when I'm not busy, I get bored and think too much (different topics in the past, however).

So, whew. That's a fair portion of what has been going through my head, at various times. And I try to break my trains of thought, but more often than not, I just end up thinking about it at a later time, often in the same day. Like you, Astrahl, I'm a very sexual person, too, so maybe that's why I think too much about so much...?

Well, as neurotic as that is, there you go. Thanks,

Simivin