simivin

Well, I realize this thread has been buried for a while, but I wanted to write anyway. I posted above that I had had problems, etc, with my girlfriend's past and that it was getting better. To some extent, it has, but to some extent, it still perpetuates. Let me elaborate.

We went on vacation for about a month this summer, which was overall a great experience, with some minor roadbumps. We had a couple conversations about her history, and she was trying to make it accessible to me, both of us thinking that the less questions/imaginings/anxiety I had, the easier it would be to deal with and the sooner it would go away. It helped, but it wasn't a wave of a magic wand. After some of these conversations, I tried not to bring it up anymore, but we had some difficult conversations later on (sometimes initiated by her asking what I was thinking, etc). A couple weeks ago, I was feeling pretty good, not thinking too much (even when meeting one of her past lovers). I left to take care of some things before classes start this fall, and unfortunately, my thinking has gotten worse again.

I know and can admit that I think WAY too much and shouldn't be concerned about any of the things I am. I know I shouldn't ruminate so much; I know I shouldn't be concerned about her past, because she is with me now. The rationale side of me knows, but the emotional/pensive side of me doesn't really let me relax, and it stresses me out. I mean, it can range from her showing me something that she probably learned from one of her past lovers. Or it can be a comment she made ("sloppy seconds" or something) that I unfortunately tie back to her ("sloppy eighths") that just creates more anxiety for me. Or I'll think about other girls that I wished I had had sex with, so I wouldn't be thinking so much about my girlfriend's history now -- so that I would have the experience, or be on a similar plain and could just relax and enjoy the relationship.

I know it's stupid -- you don't need to flame me for that. But I keep stressing myself out, and I know that if I just stopped thinking, that I would enjoy things -- the relationship and life -- tremendously. I just think far too much and I want to stop. I've talked with my mom about it to some extent, and I've considered going to a counseling center or something at the university, but I don't know. And I don't particularly want to talk to my gf, because I don't want to hurt her anymore or have any difficult conversations.

I've thought that some of this is due to us being apart for the first time in about 2.5 months; or not having enough to do and dwelling on things; or not working out enough and staying in as good a shape as I want; or the big transition from my undergrad to grad school; or rushing into the relatinoship quickly, or having sex too quickly; or uncertainty about the exclusivity or long-term nature of our relationship; uncertainty about other girls I've had questions about, etc. I certainly think that if I would just settle my mind down, that I would be able to marry this girl, because she is a phenomenal person, but this anxiety makes me question lots of things. I've given her a key to my apartment, she's looking to buy a car to come visit me sometimes, so the stakes seem higher.

Should I consider breaking off the relationship? I don't want to risk hurting her anymore by my own problems, and while I want to be there for her and make her happy, I'm not certain that I am making myself happy right now due to my over-thinking. Or should I just wait, give it more time, and chalk it up to making a mistake about asking too many personal/sexual details too early on and count on time to get past it?

Advice on this would be greatly appreciated, because frankly, I'm tired of myself and my thinking right now. Thanks...

Simivin

PS: If you feel the need to flame me, fine, go ahead. But I agree with everyone on here that it is my fault and not hers; I'm just looking for things that I can do. Thanks.