Gilda

My dad tried to teach me how to drive a stick when I was 15 and got my learner's permit. It was . . . difficult.

The basic method of instruction went like this:


1. Taking off:

I try to take off and kill the car by letting out too slowly or too quickly or giving it too much or too little gas, and kill it. Dad complains that I'm going to ruin his clutch/transmission. Dad repeats instructions for how to take off in great detail. I try to take off and kill the car. Dad complains, repeats instuctions. Repeat six or eight times. By this time he's yelling at me, telling me over and over I'm not listening, and I'm yelling back at him that I do understand, I am listening, I just can't do it right.

Repeat step one six to eight times before the car finally gets rolling.

2. Shifting gears:

I look down at the tach to check whether it's time to shift, and the car starts to drift. Dad grabs the wheel to put us back on track, and yells at me. I panic and kill the engine. Return to step one.

Dad tells me to listen to the engine and ignore the tachometer. I try to shift too soon and kill the engine. Return to step one.

I try to shift too late, Dad yells at me that I'm going to blow the engine, I panic and kill the engine. Return to step one.

Dad gets frustrated enough to just tell me when to shift. After he tells me, I wait a few seconds while I'm thinking about what I'm supposed to do next, over rev the engine, he yells at me, I panic and kill the engine. Return to step one.

Dad tells me ahead of time to to get ready to shift. I look down to try to find the gear shift, the car starts to drift, Dad grabs the wheel, yells, I panic, kill the engine, return to step one.

Dad tells me no looking, find the shifter by touch. While groping for the shifting knob, I over rev the engine, Dad yells, I panic, kill the engine. Step one.

Dad guides my hand to the shifting knob. I grind the gears by not getting the clutch all the way down before trying to take it out of ger. Yelling, panic, step one.

I get the car out of gear and look down to find second gear. Yelling, panic, step one.

I shift into fourth gear instead of second. Kill the car without the yelling and panic. Those come after.

Step 3: Operating in traffic.

We never got to step three.

Meanwhile, my Mom was teaching my sister how to drive in her automatic.

Step one: Put car in drive. Step on gas pedal. Move on to step three.

While I've spent half an hour driving down the driveway and maybe a block, Katie's driven around most of the neighborhood, actually practicing driving skills and parking and navigating stop signs and lights without having to worry about the extra what, four, five, ten things that shifting a stick requires?

It isn't about being lazy or not enjoying driving. I love driving my car--a Mini Cooper S--I'm just not anywhere near physically coordinated enough to do the six hundred other things that shifting manually requires while still maintaining control of the vehicle.

Grace has tried to convince me to let her teach me to drive a stick, and actually says it isn't difficult. I know better. Keeping 25 teenagers in order is easy. Reading Shakespeare is easy. Understand the mechanics of time travel is easy. Driving a stick is hard.

She really just wanted to get a stick in the Mini when we were ordering it. She insisted over and over that we should get a stick and she could teach me to drive it in no time. Even if this were true--and it most assuredly is not--I don't see how giving me more things to do as a driver wouldn't cause a decline in my driving skills. It was a silly argument anyway as the Mini has a manual mode, which makes it perfect for both of us. Automatic for me, manual for her.

I've tried to convince her to let me teach her how to identify the meter in a poem, yet she refuses, not seeing that as a skill that would be useful to her. Knowing how to drive a stick would be about as useful to me.

I've tried using the manual mode on my car, and even without a clutch or stick shift (it uses paddles on the steering wheel) involved, shifting manually doesn't seem to offer me any advantage I can see.

For those of you who can drive a stick and enjoy it, I think that's wonderful for you. I'm not talking on my cell or putting on makeup, I'm not lazy, I'm just incapable of learning to drive a stick, and it's a skill that would be a waste of my time and energy to learn, as it is of little to no utility to me.

For me, well, I can't put it better than Ben Franklin: Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

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