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I agree with how essential therapy is. I refused medication many, many times because I did not want to feel like a zombie. I first tried Paxil and stopped after 4 days because I literally would not speak for hours at a time, instead just staring off into space without a single thought in my head.
After years of trying to cope without medication, I finally relented when my doctor suggested I try Zoloft. He is a great doctor and was fully aware and supportive of my desire to stay away from medication. He suggested it for 6 weeks as a trial and if I didn't like it, he would wean me off. Once I noticed a difference with the medication, I decided to stick with it. Therapy is essential, yes, but I find that the medication helps me focus enough on what my therapist is telling me to make it effective.
I'm reminded of a scene from The Sopranos when Tony is talking to his therapist about not making any progress and hating being on medication. His therapist equated his inability to make any progress because he's spending so much time putting out the fires of panic that he isn't able to focus on preventing them in the first place. That's what I feel the medication has done for me. It's allowed me to quit constantly putting out fires and focus on techniques to prevent them from happening.
I felt crippled for so many years because of this. It's hard for those who don't experience it to fully understand how frustrating it is. We realize there isn't any iminent danger, yet we react as if there is. This causes us to become frustrated and think that there must be something seriously wrong if our bodies are reacting this way for no apparent reason. This inability to understand why we have these attacks or fears only seems to aggravate the problem. It's not like having an injury where the focus of the pain can be found and quickly treated.
If the fears seem irrational to those of you not suffering from them, imagine being the person suffering from them. They're irrational to us, as well, but they're still just as real, which makes it even more aggravating.
What I've always found odd is that what helps me a lot is knowing there are others out there who feel the same way I do. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Even though I would never wish this on anyone, I'm glad there are those who understand what I've been through.
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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses
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