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Popping Your Collar
Opinion
Wearing Your Collar Down is for Poor People
By I.M. Adick, III
When my ancestors came over to this great country 400 years ago,
they had a vision for a utopia, free from minorities, liberals, poor people,
homosexuals, and immigrants. There are few today who share such lofty
ideals, but we're easy to find: Pastel polo shirts, loafers without socks,
tucked-in shirts, but most importantly, collars up.
Call me a douchebag. Call me an arrogant little cocksucking
dickhead. Beat the shit out of me if I'm not with fifteen of my B-frat
friends (unlikely). But just know this: I interned at Smith Barney this
summer. Where did you work? A Blockbuster? That's right you insignificant
sack of dogshit; I'm going to be your boss. So take your t-shirt wearing,
financial aid, blue-collar ass over to Blockbuster and get me a copy of Old
School. Do you even own a tuxedo?
Look at my girlfriend. You think she'd go for someone who didn't
have his collar up? I don't think so. I remember the night I met her. I
bought her so many $9 drinks she couldn't even walk. So I drove her home in
my BMW 328ci, but not before I took a few "liberties" with her. The next
morning I took her to brunch and went to the mall, where I bought her some
blouses. You assholes don't know the first thing about being a gentleman.
You probably don't even know how to sail.
When I get out of business school, I'm going to be making $120,000 a
year. Add that to my trust fund, and I can buy a country club membership, a
ski house, and still have enough money to go barhopping around the city in
my designer clothes and shit-eating grin. Maybe I'll offer you a hundred
bucks to flip my collar up for me. I earned it you middle-class fuck up. I
bet you went to public school.
You're so predictable. I bet I can guess your political party just
by looking at you. My cronies and I range from elitist northern liberals to
heartless conservative bastards. I've wasted enough time with you. Get
some rich parents, an internship, and a pink polo with the collar up, and
then maybe I'll let you hang out with me.
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heavy is the head that wears the crown
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