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X Frequently wears black clothing: I have several little black dresses that are just darling, and at least a dozen pairs of black shoes.
X Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.: Ohhh, silver jewelry is bad. I'm in big trouble. When did an Ankh become a Satanic symbol? That's a new one for me.
X Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.: Pierced ears are the devils playground!
X Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.: This describes a significant number of my students.
X Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.*: I've never liked sports. I didn't realize until now that this made me a goth.
X Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.: I find much of that interesting. As does, apparently, the person who made this list. I wonder if that person is a goth/Satanist?
X Takes drugs.: I took an excedrin last week.
X Drinks alcohol.: White wine with dinner sometimes, but only if I'm not driving.
X Is suicidal and/or depressed. This list is making me depressed. Does that count?
X Complains of boredom: So every teenager on the planet is a goth!
X Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light.: I burn easily. I wonder if using sunblock is blocking out His light?
X Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.: Gee, and I've been wasting my quiet time alone reading comic books.
X Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.: I want Count Dracula cereal! Does it say where to find it?
X Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources.: I watch cable, but avoid the corrupted media sources, like Fox News.
X Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature.: Whew! Escaped that one. Wait a minute; do Doom and Diablo count here? Dang it!
X Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.: Aha. I only use the computer four or five hours a day.
X Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.: How often would I have to do this to qualify? Is once a week too much? I may have to step up my dancing.
X Expresses an interest in sex.: Ok so being human makes one a goth.
X Masturbates: Again, I need frequency to properly judge. Is three times a week too often?
X Is homosexual and/or bisexual.: I like the and/or here. How long since your last homosexual act/though would it have to be to qualify here? I'm going to see how long I can last without . . . damn.
X Claims to be a goth: Well, gee perhaps it would be better to put this one at the top, so that the rest could be skipped.
If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.
Woo hoo! I scored a 20. What do I win?
This seems like an over the top parody, but, having been raised in a hard core Catholic home, I can see my parents reading through that list and nodding their heads knowingly.
Gilda
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I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.
~Steven Colbert
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