Red Two

I'm not sure where to bring this so I brought it here.

Chris and I went to high school together. During Senior year she liked me but I wanted somebody else. I didn't want anything to do with her. Then I joined the Army and went through Basic Training and was convinved the God was punishing me for all the worng I had done to all the people in my life. Including her. I began to wonder who she really wa and what she was doing. After Graduation and Airborne School I contacted her. We wrote a few letters back and forth then contact trailed off until I left the 82nd.
One night I was driving past her place of work and saw her car. I stopped. And my life changed. Over the course of the summer we started dating. She helped me perpare for my Freshman year at college, she was already on her Senior year.
Chris... how do I describe her? Strong, tall, beautiful, smart, creative all the things I was not. Kind, loving, feminine, sexy, happy...
We would ride horses together and talk of everything. She had a quick wit and faster mind that came up with all kinds of ideas. She loved art and books and movies. The same things I loved.
I wish I had the time and words to tell you about her. Nothing better had ever happened to me in my life and nothing as good will ever happen to me again.
Eventually we made love for the first time and I took her virginity. The only thing she told me was to cherish it and I did and still do.
Eventually we moved in together. I was still in the Army National Guard and had to go away form time to time but she aws always there for me when I returned.
Then, in 1998, she got pregnant. She had been on birth control but nothing is fool proof.
Chris decided to have an abortion. I did not want her to and begged her to have our baby. She said no, it was much to soon and we were not stable enough. I told her I would married her and go back into the Army active duty. It did not matter.
She expected mre to leave her but no, I would stay by her side, even if I did not believe in what she was doing.
Chris had the abortion. I was there. I held her hand through out the experance and took care of her at home.
AS you can guess that ended our relationship. Not immeadtly, we lasted maybe another year or so but I can not get over her. I think about her every day. I regret everything worng I ever said or did to her. I hate myself for all of that.
If things could have only turned out diffrent...
It has been almost four years since I last talked to her. She does not want anything to do with me anymore. She has a new boyfriend and a new life.
But I am still living in the past. I can not forget her. I can't hold a relationship together, I compare every woman I meet with her. I think about her every day. I feel such sadness... Often I have wished I was dead, to forget all this and make up for the life of my lost child. I know that she once loved me and that I was once worthy of being loved by her but now I do not matter.
I don't know what else to do. Will I go on living the rest of my life with this shadow following me forever?
I have sought councling and everthing else but it does not seem to help.
So here I am telling my story to the world.
What do I do, I can't get her out of my mind?

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People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand readyto do violence on thier behalf.
- George Orwell