Gilda

This is one of the big ones, something that Grace and I have discussed with Sissy, she's discussed in group therapy and with her therapist.

First, for people who aren't intimate, such as casual friends and the like, they don't need to know. At her high school, the only people we told were her principal and counselor. Her teachers and friends, teammates on the academic decathlon and chess teams didn't need to know, as it had nothing to do with how they related to her. The fact that she used to be physically male and still had male genitals had no bearing on their relationship to her, and could only serve to interfere with it had they known, so she kept it quiet. Since she began college, she hasn't told anyone other than intimate partners because, once again, it's irrelevant to the relationship.

In a dating situation, it's different though, and there are really three disticnt groups and the ethics differ slightly for each. Those who cannot pass easily have the easiest time, as their partners almostly universally know when the relationship begins. Calpurnia Adams' boyfriend (Soldier's Girl) was first attracted to her in part because she was transsexual (he was later murdered because of this)>

With Sissy, as with any other pre-op transsexual (a transsexual who plans to have SRS, but has not yet had it) it was a bit trickier. She was passing easily and fully pretty much from day one. Nobody ever read her, even before the hormones took full effect, and after a couple of years, she was prettier than the majority of natal women. Hell, she's prettier than me. I'm not going to post pictures for the general public, but I have shown them to sweetpea, and I think she can confirmwhat I'm saying here.

Some people advocate that this be revealed on the first date. What we (Grace, Sissy, her therapist and I) decided was that on a first date was not necessary especially since Sissy went out with a lot of first dates that never resulted in a second, meaning that it would quickly become generally known in the community, and at her school, a situation that would not have been good. We were also in agreement that it must be discussed before she was intimate with a boy, for her protection and because it's something that the boy, now man, has the right to know. It also allowed us to do it in a setting that protected Sissy physically; she always told the boy on a double date with me and Grace, or later, when she was more confident, by herself in a public place. On one occasion the guy got very upset and threatened violence and she had to call to have Grace and me come pick her up. Most of the time, the guy just ended the relationship.

In addition we also agreed that it was important to tell those with whom she was going to be emotionally intimate. If she thought she might fall in love with a guy, or he with her, it was time to tell, even if this was before they were sexually intimate. With friends, it would be a matter of when she thought she could trust them with so intimate a secret.

Post-op MTF's who can pass have a difficult choice to make. Some go for full immersion, moving to a new city with a new identity, and never telling anyone, including sexual partners, even going so far as to invent a past history to match their new identity. I strongly disapprove of this, though I do understand it. I believe a sexual partner has the right to know a person's sexual past; it would be like me trying to deny that I'd had sex with men before I started dating women exclusively.

My friend Jen, once she transitions, doesn't plan to tell anyone other her family; it's none of their damn business.

To make it short, for those who live as openly transgender, it isn't necessary. For those who don't, and who can pass, like Sissy, it's a matter of deciding when the other person needs to know, and certainly it should always be discussed before one gets physically intimate.

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