Gilda

Thank you for your patience everyone, and for your help apolian. Sissy is in surgery right now, and I won't be seeing her for another six to eight hours minimum.

Because all of my experience is with MTF transsexuals, when I refer to a transsexual or TS, it should be understood that I'm referring solely to MTF transsexuals, and not FTM. Their issues are often similar, but separate.

That's a good point. Unfortunately, it isn't just an issue of what people do behind closed doors. Heterosexuals make an issue of their sexuality in small ways all the time. Just the act of holding hands or dancing in a public place with your SO is a way of advertising whether you are straight or gay. It also comes into play in hiring and promotion, in housing, in insurance, and in a thousand other small ways that people who are straight never think about.

It's the same with transsexuals. They have to deal with issues we don't. How much thought do you put into which bathroom to use when in a public place? Probably not much; I use the ladies room, just as I always have. Now put yourself into the head of a MTF who is out at the mall for the very first time dressed up as a women. This might be before she's even begun treatment, or it might be after she's been taking hormones a while. She might have her voice perfect, or might still be struggling with it. She's already scared half to death that she'll get read (identified as male) because of these factors, and if it's her first time in public, this is a more than reasonable concern; first timers very often are read. So, which bathroom should she use? The advice given MTF's is not to use public restrooms if it is at all possible to avoid them. If you can't, try to find a unisex or a family restroom, or a single occupant room. If not, you have a choice to make. Use the men's room, and you're advertising your anatomical sex and risking assault. Use the women's room, and you're risking getting arrested--transwomen have been arrested for using the women's room. Sissy, when she first started going to school as a girl, was offered the use of the staff restroom to help alleviate this problem, but preferred to take her chances in the girls' room to avoid advertising her status, and because there is a lot of socializing that goes on in a high school ladies room (I'm told this isn't necessarily true of the guys).

This is just one of a dozen little things most of us never think about that become problems for a transsexual that have nothing to do with what happens in the bedroom.

This is a good point. Your aquantence is a cross-dresser, a man who likes to occasionally dress in women's clothes. He obviously still thinks of himself as a man, and wants to be referred to as such. Many cross dressers like to go further and adopt a completely female persona when dressed, complete with a female name. The polite thing to do is address the person as they prefer to be addresed.

This is different from a transsexual, who thinks of herself as a female, regardless of how she's dressed, and for whom the proper pronouns are the feminine ones. As I mentioned in my OP, I have a friend who is in the early stage of transition, who only dresses in private (at home, when visiting my home, or in group therapy) and is still living as a man. I use exclusively female pronouns to describe her, because regardless of where she is in the process, she thinks of herself as a woman.

The general rule is to call a person what he/she wants to be called.

This is indeed one of the biggies. First of all, some clarification on the terminology might help.

Gender Identity refers to one's internal sense of being male or female. In the case of a transsexual, she already feels that she's female, despite having a male body. This sense is usually in place from early childhood, though some try to repress it due to discomfort with the conflict, societal pressure, pressure from family and friends, and so on.

Social Gender in this sense or Social Sex is how society sees us and reacts to us, ie, whether we're living as a male or female.

Sissy has been saying she was really a girl inside and acting like a girl since she was around three or four. She stopped doing it, as much as she could anyway, with our parents early on because she learned she'd get punished for doing this (mom would put soap in her mouth, dad would slap her), but with my sister and I she had the freedom to be who she was. My friend tells me she's always identified more with girls than with boys, but was forced into a male role by her parents and by a series of stepfathers who would beat her if she was too much of a sissy.

In both cases, and in most cases, a transexual's gender identity isn't something they have any control over; this isn't chosen. My friend has told me that she tried being a man, tried being macho, tried being a cross dresser, and tried just being an effeminate man, and nothing short of being a woman was enough. If it were a choice, she'd long ago have chosen to be male, to match the body she was born with.

There is some good evidence that gender identity is determined by a physical structure in the brain. In any case, gender identity, like sexual orientation, is not chosen.

Social gender, on the other hand, can be chosen. Sissy chose to live her life as a female, and she communicated this by telling everyone who would listen that she was supposed to be a girl until she found someone who was able to help her. In Sissy's case, it was literally a matter of life or death. She was in her early teens in a state of near-suicidal depression. Suicide is very common among untreated teen transsexuals, as it is among homosexual teens. My friend hasn't told anyone except her wife, my family, and the people treating her (therapist, electrologist, doctor). She suspects she'll lose her family when she tells them, and faces the prospect of losing her job when she's ready to transition at work. The coming out process is different for every person, but it's usually as simple (though not easy) as sitting down with someone who needs to know and telling them. In the case of transitioning at work, it's usually the direct supervisor or someone in personnel. Often, the transition is complete in one phase before another. Most often, an MTF will transition at home and stay in the male role at work, although on rare occasions, especially if she had children, the work transition will occur first. Some will try to go full immersion, and change cities and jobs post trasition, establishing a completely new identity post transition so that nobody in their lives knows.

Since most MTFs transition later, in their 20's or 30's, after they have an established life and career, the transition occures with everyone in their job knowing that they're transsexual.

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