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Old 06-11-2005, 02:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
vonstalhein
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Location: Where You Live.
The first three lines of each stanza are strong, but, as is especially the case in the first stanza, the last line feels contrived, and it breaks the rhythm. I like the ideas though, but what would happen if you expressed yourself more in the last line instead of contriving a rhyme?
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