Quote:
Originally Posted by abaya
Hektore, I agree with a lot of what you said in your post. However, I take issue with the stuff that I am quoting above...
#1, I do not think that a relationship is "tempered" by temptation... at least not in the sense that hey, our relationship isn't worth much since we haven't tempted it much, so let's throw ourselves in the fire and see what happens! I think that if temptation comes naturally, then people have to deal with it, but I don't know if it necessarily makes the relationship stronger to just go willingly into a situation that would tempt anyone with reproductive organs and hormones. Rather, the whole discussion w/ktspktsp last week about this topic was what made us stronger, simply because we learned how to communicate and consider each other's feelings more... NOT because we put ourselves in harm's way and said "let's see how strong this is."
#2, I never enforced my will upon ktspktsp. I realize that he has a choice in everything, and so do I. I did not say "Don't go camping." The important thing for me was not to control his behavior, but to communicate my feelings about his decision and leave it at that. Once I knew that we understood each other properly (which took a couple days of very honest communication), I felt that I definitely trusted his decision and would be fine with whatever direction it went. Trust is built by the willingness to listen and consider feelings, not a categorical laying-down-the-law or "I'll do whatever the hell I want, thanks." Neither ktspktsp nor I wanted the latter.
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I didn't mean to say that without temptation relationships aren't worth anything, bad analogy I guess. Only meant to say something along the lines of you don't know until you know. I also didn't mean to say to rush off into temptation just because you can, or to prove a point, only to say not to avoid it in an 'at all costs' fashion. Not that I think that is what went on with you two at all. I just think when temptation pops up, sometimes you have to live and let live and see what happens so you know for sure. And it feels like hell to do it, but when it works out its a great thing...Ok, so sometimes I hate this place(the TFP) because it makes me explain myself and then I end up doing this whole moral gutcheck thing, very annoying to have to put up with when you get into these types of discussions
So basically I was going to post something defending what I had to say, but then I was thinking about what you said. You didn't tell ktspktsp not to go(I did read all you said the first time, I apologize for putting words in your mouth), you simply explained to him it made you uncomfortable and why. For me as a caring boyfriend when I have a decision to make, and you tell me one of the choices is going to make you unhappy, it seems your saying to pick the other one. Telling me it would make you unhappy isn't saying don't do it, the end result is the same because of my priorities, but they don't equate when I thought and acted as they had. Bleh, chalk one up against me.
Then I put myself in his shoes (naturally since I'm a guy I put myself in the guys shoes). I'm thinking, man this is totally innocent, if anything happens I'll immediately come clean about it, but nothing will happen because I won't let it. Bummer, I understand why she doesn't feel comfortable with it, but I think she should trust me enough to let me go(Bunk after previous thought process you didn't tell him that he couldn't go). But if I just go and she didn't say anything and if nothing happens, which it won't, this won't be an issue because she should be comfortable with it in all future occasions.
I was going to say, if he had gone and nothing happened; problem solved as well. There is a problem with that too though, because when I put myself in your shoes, it occured to me: I'm not going to feel comfortable with it the second time, or the third, or ever. My girl and a guy, even if I know and trust him, in the same tent just isn't going to be something I can gloss over. Ever. *inserts foot in mouth* chalk two up against me. *Deep Breath* Looks like I was wrong...Thanks.