abaya

^ Wow, thank you! Those are very kind words. It means a lot to hear them (I'm a highly verbal person, can anyone tell from my posts?) You're pretty darn cool yourself, Sweetpea... always offering people encouragement and constructive criticism, you're a very welcome member on all threads! I'm so glad for this community; it's just an amazing place with fascinating and wise (or at least honest!) individuals.

Yeah, we are definitely NOT the next evolution. The opposite, actually... we haven't evolved enough! I think the main conflict between us is that we still haven't learned to avoid reacting defensively... since really, when someone is defensive, they're expressing that they distrust the other person's intentions. (I think Lurkette and Ratbastid have this as one of their "fair fighting" rules: always assume the other person loves you and that this is behind everything they say). Ktspktsp and I are both a bit immature in this sense (among others!)... we need to learn to anticipate each other's feelings/needs a lot more, which requires setting ourselves aside and really listening, asking good questions, etc.

Also, I've seen so many people make relational mistakes that to me, it's asking for trouble to not use boundaries EVERYwhere, rather than trust fallible human beings (including myself, again). I guess I'm a cynic, or a realist.

I mean, like w/driving, I might be a good driver (ha ha) but that doesn't mean situations aren't any less dangerous, just because of what they are (bad weather, other drivers, etc). If I trusted myself completely but failed to take into account the danger of certain situations, I would be asking for an accident to happen (and proving myself to be quite arrogant as well, for thinking I was above it). So I have to follow certain laws to keep myself and others safe, even when it takes away from my driving enjoyment (and I ain't too good at this, believe me!... I'm in the middle of traffic school for accidentally going the wrong way on a one-way street!!!)

Now ktspktsp, having not been in a relationship before we got together, and also having grown accustomed to the stability of his parents being married for 30 years, hasn't been exposed to as much relational strife/conflict as I have... at least not the kind that results in break-ups and divorce. So we have conflict here, in that I over-anticipate, and he under-anticipates. As a result, his decisions come under fire from me, and then he starts to feel like I'm disrespecting his level of experience and questioning his judgment... which is a threat to his pride, so he gets a little stubborn and defensive. And vice versa, if he's questioning something I'm doing. We never, ever yell at each other, or become anything other than civil (though I can't help crying at times)... but it makes for some really draining discussions.

So the TFP has been so helpful in giving us outside perspective on stuff like this. Yay! Thanks guys, I'll keep saying it because you don't know how much I've come to value you all!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran