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It's somewhat ironic to read this post because recently I've faced a similar situation...
I did make the mistake, I guess, of asking my girlfriend this past weekend how many people she had sex with. She said "Seven," "Including me?" "Not including you." I asked and I got the honest answer.
Why did I even want to know? Well, she started having sex at a very young age; I knew that and knew she had had sex with a number of people. Some of it is derived from the competitiveness, quite a bit of it was derived from the (pehaps false) belief that knowledge would be better than imagining/wondering myself. In the end, it was probably a number of factors.
And what happened afterwards? Honestly, it bothered me. The first few days I was preoccupied with it quite a bit-- trust me, I did not want to think about it, but perhaps there is a dispensation to think about things like that, personal things, filling in details that are left out -- imagining them -- etc.
For me, I think the greatest part of the problem is the dichotomy between her sexual experience (8 partners) and mine (she is my only partner). The difference in prior behavior raised all sorts of emotions and confusion for me, but while I might sometimes wish I was her first and only partner, I probably wish nearly (or just) as much that I had more partners -- not that I really want to have sex with anyone else, but so that sex would not be as much an emotional issue.
But that's not the entire the story. I truly love this girl -- we've known each other for more than seven years, fell out of touch, got back in touch, and have been dating for just over two months. Already I feel more comfortable with her than I have with anyone in a long time; she is my best friend and is so much fun to be around.
While the first few days may have bothered me significantly -- thinking about the number, or even just thinking about the conversation and her voice saying it -- I've been working to lessen it with time. That's ultimately what I want -- to know and confront those details rather than hide from them, taking it as a part of her, and letting any of the emotional turmoil and baggage dissipate as the days go by.
Honestly, I searched the TF a day or two ago and read what some people said in another thread. I already knew it, but it still helps reading it from others, from people who aren't caught up in emotions, who aren't thinking upsetting thoughts. That helped me some. Last night my GF and I were talking and I apologized for asking; not so much apologizing because of my feelings, but for her feelings and how it might have made her feel.
Another thing I've been doing is trying to keep things in perspective. Sure, she's had seven other partners while I've had no one else, but I know I'm not entirely spotless. She seriously dated each of them but one (a two-night fling, I guess) and didn't even mess around with anyone besides those seven, whereas I've fooled around with a couple girls who I didn't even know but for a few days. So in that perspective, perhaps her morals and behavior are a bit sounder than my own. I just need to get used to that thought-process and cement the fact that she is a different person than myself -- and no worse just because we acted differently than each other.
What people have said -- prior partners made her the girl she has become, everything that happened is in the past, etc -- is all true. But as we all know, sometimes it's easier said than done, especially when trying to deal with the conflagration of emotions and thoughts. It truly doesn't matter whether it's 1, 8, 10, or 15 or more partners, but internalizing that can still be tough.
I told her, shortly after she told me the number, that I would be pissed at myself to let such a good thing go merely because of her past. And I mean that. She is too great a girl to let go because of my emotions, any jealously, any confusion. So, I'm doing the best I can to make an effort not to let it bother me, so that I can be the person she deserves. I'm not perfect, but I think time will help me get used to it, and I thank the people on this board for their honest and insightful comments.
I know that the thread has moved on to a little bit of a different direction, but I thought I'd offer my thoughts as I'm dealing with a similar issue but from a guy's side. Feel free to comment, as these are just my 2 cents...but I hope things work out for you annie.
Simivin
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