zen_tom

I've not used these forums before for anything personal - and I'm not sure how comfortable I feel broadcasting this right now - but - I do feel the need to confide in someone, and to hear ideas and maybe other's experiences.

Middle of last year, I got diagnosed with a condition called phimosis - it's basically when your foreskin fails to stretch over the head of your penis - no biggie - I ummed and ahhed about it, wondering what the option might be to go about curing it, or even, if it needed curing (it's been like that all my life)

Early this year, I noticed a kind of redness, some swelling and a kind of yellowy discharge - so of course, I went back to the doctor who referred me onto the Urologist. The Urologist took a look and recommended circumcision, saying that there wasn't much else they could do, and that it would be better afterwards for sex and cleanliness.

So, resigned, I agreed and we went along with the surgery. I had been hoping to remain intact, plus surgery scares the living daylights out of me, but that's how it goes. That was 2 weeks ago. Damn it hurt like hell - and - having never been in a hospital in my life except to visit others, it scared the crap out of me.

The last couple of weeks have been painful, but everything is healing up fine, and I think I'm pleased with the results. I was never particularly sensitive before, and sex used to be quite the marathon, with me often unlikely to finish (which kind of upset my partners who may have felt it was something about them). Now, I'm looking forward to a whole new life in that regard (after everything has finished healing up)

Anyway, I went back to the doctor's today for a post-op check-up, and he explained how they had sent the trimmings off for tests (I was wondering if I was going to get the option to bring it home in a jar) and told me I was healing up fine. Unfortunately, he said, the tests showed that the swelling there had in fact been a tumor, and that the results showed that it was malignant.

So now they want to arrange for me to go for a CAT scan where they'll check to see if the cancer has spread to any other parts of my body. I'm feeling kind of disconnected at the moment, it's almost a good feeling - things seem clearer, petty grievances are forgotten, and all that day-to-day stuff doesn't worry me at all.

But at the back of my mind I'm scared - what if it's spread? What kind of life might I have to look forward to ? How on earth am I going to tell my Mum?

It's dawned on me the realisation that I'm going to die (Yes I know, we all do, sometime)- sure, everything might work out fine on the scan. What I mean is, the shock of hearing 'malignant' made me realise my own mortality in a very real and tangible way. Before, I 'knew' it, but in a mental way, I can actually feel the idea now in my bones.

So, what do I do next? I have to wait 3-4 weeks before the scan, and then another few days after that to hear whether I got away with it or not. In the meantime, how can I use this feeling and turn it into something positive? And seriously, how am I going to tell my Mum?