First time I read that, I missed quite a few of the comic gems in your story... great work!
My coin jar is full again...for the past few weeks I've been jamming coins under the lid. Just a few more and it might asplode.
My local grocery store has a machine with 0% service fees, but the catch is you have to spend it all on groceries within a week (or you lose the money). The upside is that I'm well supplied in corn chips and dip after that.