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KinkyKiwi · 05-16-2005, 05:52 PM

i was really amazed and awed at how shani dealt with her rape...

i hope oneday i can have that same attitude..

when i was younger my longterm bf passed away...i was really hurt and many of his so called friends were actually asking me out in teh weeks after his death...i had become friends with only one of his friends and i turned toward him the most. we had agreed that we would say we were dating so that people would leave me alone. he was a big guy..not so much tall as wide...very wide...he wasnt the brightest guy but he was friendly. i was on alot of meds at the time for depression and they made me feel very weak and tired. he would push for the stuff that he thought "normal" gfs would do...3 years older then me and he hadnt even kissed a girl. i would object and he would push it everytime. totally forgetting that we werent a normal couple ..that we werent a couple at all...eventually i gave in..he would kiss me..and touch me..and i would smile and then go and throw up. he would push my head down and demand head...i saw his rolls of fat and acne and beady eyes and i wanted to cry and throw up and peel my skin off. meanwhile a guy had moved in next door (biznatch) that i was amazingly attracted to..even tho it was so close to my bfs death i was drawn to him. i tried to end it totally with the guy. he would invite himself over to do work for my parents...oneday i felt very ill and i was supposed to meet him in the city that day...i called him to tell him i wasnt feeling well and he shows up at my door..i let him in thinking i would just let him wait at my house for the next train...he pushed me into the couch and using his weight held me down while he raped me. i begged him to stop and to get off. he just looked at me and said "but your my girlfriend this is what were supposed to do dont you get it?" after he finished he said he loved me and told me to go clean up. i was depressed and confused and kinda scared..i was convinced i had caused it. after me and biznatch started dating and some other stuff happend i told him to leave me alone for good. he then be friended my parents housekeeper whos more a member of the family then anything else and gpt close to my parents..and he would show up at my house whenever he felt like it...almost everyday. i didnt want to see him so i would stay up stairs. some other stuff happend between up and i told him that he wasnt my parents friend and that he wasnt mine. he showed up at my parents office and made up and long list of things i had "done"..now this was when i was younger and he was saying stuff like i had forced HIM to have sex ..while he wanted to wait till marriage, how i was lying to them and doing drugs..how i was stealing and lying about everything...the list was long. he pretty much pulled it out of his ass. throwing in just enough truth to make my parents believe it. after i found out what he had done including finding pictures of me that were for my bf who had passed away on my computer (nude photos) and sending them to himself then showing them to my parents saying i was giving them to everyone and was selling my body for money. i sent him a txt msg saying to watch his back. i was too scared to tell my mom what had happend..and i still havent...and i knew i couldnt report it without my mom knowing...i didnt want him to get off scot free...now he was disturbingly close to his family..at 19-20 years old he had an early curfew and he couldnt go out without telling him mom where he was and when he was going to be home..along with even creepier stuff...and we got a call from his mom threating my family and me if we ever retaliated. i'm still confused and it still hurts me everyday...he lied to all of my dead bfs friends telling them i was a manipulative whore..he made up this entire story...they knew him all thro HS so they trusted him...

anyway...maybe now that i've shared it i'll be able to come to terms with it

05-16-2005, 05:52 PM	#49 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	i was really amazed and awed at how shani dealt with her rape... i hope oneday i can have that same attitude.. when i was younger my longterm bf passed away...i was really hurt and many of his so called friends were actually asking me out in teh weeks after his death...i had become friends with only one of his friends and i turned toward him the most. we had agreed that we would say we were dating so that people would leave me alone. he was a big guy..not so much tall as wide...very wide...he wasnt the brightest guy but he was friendly. i was on alot of meds at the time for depression and they made me feel very weak and tired. he would push for the stuff that he thought "normal" gfs would do...3 years older then me and he hadnt even kissed a girl. i would object and he would push it everytime. totally forgetting that we werent a normal couple ..that we werent a couple at all...eventually i gave in..he would kiss me..and touch me..and i would smile and then go and throw up. he would push my head down and demand head...i saw his rolls of fat and acne and beady eyes and i wanted to cry and throw up and peel my skin off. meanwhile a guy had moved in next door (biznatch) that i was amazingly attracted to..even tho it was so close to my bfs death i was drawn to him. i tried to end it totally with the guy. he would invite himself over to do work for my parents...oneday i felt very ill and i was supposed to meet him in the city that day...i called him to tell him i wasnt feeling well and he shows up at my door..i let him in thinking i would just let him wait at my house for the next train...he pushed me into the couch and using his weight held me down while he raped me. i begged him to stop and to get off. he just looked at me and said "but your my girlfriend this is what were supposed to do dont you get it?" after he finished he said he loved me and told me to go clean up. i was depressed and confused and kinda scared..i was convinced i had caused it. after me and biznatch started dating and some other stuff happend i told him to leave me alone for good. he then be friended my parents housekeeper whos more a member of the family then anything else and gpt close to my parents..and he would show up at my house whenever he felt like it...almost everyday. i didnt want to see him so i would stay up stairs. some other stuff happend between up and i told him that he wasnt my parents friend and that he wasnt mine. he showed up at my parents office and made up and long list of things i had "done"..now this was when i was younger and he was saying stuff like i had forced HIM to have sex ..while he wanted to wait till marriage, how i was lying to them and doing drugs..how i was stealing and lying about everything...the list was long. he pretty much pulled it out of his ass. throwing in just enough truth to make my parents believe it. after i found out what he had done including finding pictures of me that were for my bf who had passed away on my computer (nude photos) and sending them to himself then showing them to my parents saying i was giving them to everyone and was selling my body for money. i sent him a txt msg saying to watch his back. i was too scared to tell my mom what had happend..and i still havent...and i knew i couldnt report it without my mom knowing...i didnt want him to get off scot free...now he was disturbingly close to his family..at 19-20 years old he had an early curfew and he couldnt go out without telling him mom where he was and when he was going to be home..along with even creepier stuff...and we got a call from his mom threating my family and me if we ever retaliated. i'm still confused and it still hurts me everyday...he lied to all of my dead bfs friends telling them i was a manipulative whore..he made up this entire story...they knew him all thro HS so they trusted him... anyway...maybe now that i've shared it i'll be able to come to terms with it __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.