I was raised in a non-religious household. There was no talk of a god or jesus; no explanation of the true meaning of Easter or Christmas. My father had been forced to attend church as a child and had stopped as soon as he moved out on his own. My mother's parents were of differing religions, and had basically stopped going.
I was baptised after I was born, and my mother was actually baptised the same day.
Around the time I was 4 or 5, my grandparents on my Dad's side decided that if my parents weren't going to take me to church, that they would.
I hated it.
For the next 6 years, I was forced to attend every Sunday. In my mind, there is nothing worse than forcing a religion on someone. There was nothing terribly bad about the actual church or service... but I was soured on the whole idea of religion.
It made no sense to me. You hear of people "finding god" all the time, but I thought something was wrong with me. I was feeling guilty for not feeling this faith.
When I was 10, my grandmother's sister (who is evangelical christian) started sending me away to a bible study camp every summer. I admit... I had fun there. Swimming, camping, hiking - as well as the requisite morning and evening daily service and bible study. I read the bible, prayed and sang... but I just wasn't feeling it.
I didn't believe.
I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere between 10 and 12, I stopped trying. I became cynical of religion, and I really couldn't hide my contempt for those who had faith and believed.
But inside, I'll admit, I was jealous.
I saw how much their religion meant to them - how much it comforted them in trying times. And what was I left with? Nothing. It takes a lot of courage to come face to face with the reality that you will die and you will become nothing. It's a lot easier to think that you'll have a wonderfull afterlife in heaven - even eternal damnation in hell doesn't sound half bad in comparisson!
Coming to terms with death is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I'll admit, I'm not comfortable about the prospect: to have all awareness drain from your body into eternal nothingness.
I *was* an atheist.
Over the years, I've become a bit more moderate... I've gained spirituality, although I still shun "religion". I still find the hardcore religious types to be creepy, and I try to keep my distance as much as possible.
Do I believe in god?
Well, I've gone from trying to believe, to beliving that there was no god. Right now, I'm not sure I believe, although I cannot positively state that there is no god. I guess that makes me an agnostic for now.
I've found that as I've grown older, my need to have some sort of belief system has increased. I've gone through some hard times and I've wondered what the point of living was. To reproduce? Is that it?? So I've been looking for "The meaning of life" and I have been doing some searching for a faith that I can believe in. I've read a lot about Buddhism lately, and it seems to fill a lot of my needs. It's all about self improvement and being content with life. But I'm not here to convert you to it.
