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I don't think too many people are still following this thread, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents worth...
I was married to a woman who did pretty much the same thing to me, but I never let the frequency get *that* low (for the record, I begged, nothing more). It leaked into other parts of our marriage, and I was downright miserable. Thankfully, we didn't have kids, because when I suggested that we get some help, she said "I don't think that would do any good". Ouch. So I told her I would give her some time to think about it. I had saved myself for the right person (fooled around, but never had one night stands or anything in college, I was the proverbial "nice guy"), and I thought it was her. Well, the next day I asked her what she had decided, and she said that she hadn't changed her mind. So I took off my ring, looked her in the eye, and said "Bye." and walked out the door.
I never cheated on her, and to this day I'm glad I took the road I did, but I would not have blamed anyone for taking the other path like you have.
What happened though, after months of self reflection, some counseling and lots of beer, I realized it was just one more way that she tried to control me. She wanted a relationship like her parents, where her mom dominated and hen pecked her dad, and I was blinded by love. Hindsight is a motherfucker. She wanted me to admit that SHE had all of the power and my happiness was dependent on her in every aspect. If I had a few beers with my friends, or got a CD or something benign like that, I would get a MAJOR ass chewing for spending money when we were short- but she NEVER had a problem buying herself something- it was all about control.
Unfortunately, going back to the affair, you have handed her the final control if things head south- you cheated on her, abandoning her. That will come back to bite you. You're only human though. Moral and personal self control is great, but there are always weakening factors out there that can make a person who would usually say no, say yes.
My advice, if you're still monitoring this, is to get some help...if not for both of you then just you. It is one of the lonliest feelings, being rejected by someone who is supposed to be your lifelong mate.
Also, there was a lot of discussion about the whole "breaking of vows" things, and it seemed that most people were offended, saying it wasn't a vow to automatically put out, and they are right, it isn't. However, it is (and I cannot stress this enough, as it does seriously and legally imply sexual relations as an important part of a marriage) it *IS* grounds for divorce. I found a few quotes on the web, but here is one in particular for getting a divorce in Maryland...
Constructive Desertion: The same elements for actual desertion apply. In a case of constructive desertion, the petitioning spouse typically is “forced” out of the home as a result of misconduct by the spouse at fault. Conditions leading to constructive desertion resemble cruelty. Factors taken into consideration include the nature and duration of the misconduct, attempts made by the petitioning spouse to save the marriage, and the length of time during which the misconduct occurred. Other reasons for constructive desertion include failure to maintain a home separate and apart from parents and unjustified refusal of sexual intercourse.
I tossed around the idea of filing for that, but I didn't want to make it any worse. I just wanted to walk away from it, and I could have pushed for alimony, but I just wanted out.
Talk to a professional, man. It sucks, but you CAN be happy, without the cloud of adultery. I have no experience with the kid thing, but would you be worse off without her as your permanent partner in life? If she's not willing to work on or even admit she has a problem, there's only so much you can do. Trust me on that one.
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Worrying is like a rocking chair...it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere...write that down...
- Van
Why am I fat? I guess I'll have another donut and think about it...
- Me
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