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Near the end of "Say Anything", Lloyd is in the gym, when the girlfriend who earlier dumped him on her father's recommendation comes to him for comfort when she finds out her father is a crook.
She tells him she needs him and tries to hug him for comfort. He backs off for a second, and asks her, "Are you here because you need someone or because you need me?" He pauses, and before she can answer says, "Never mind. I don't care." and takes her in his arms.
As she takes comfort there, she replies, overlapping slightly, "I need you."
It's a wonderful bit of dialog from an underrated movie. She doesn't really answer his question. He'd rather be needed and wanted by her, but is willing to settle for being needed, and is happy to be the one she chose in her time of need. In a romantic relationship, need is a lesser form of connection than want.
From my own life, I can say that Grace doesn't need me in her life. I make her happy, we've built a life together, we intend to be together for the rest of our lives; but she doesn't need me. It's comforting that her being with me is something she chooses of her own free will, not something she does out of obligation.
On the other hand, Sissy needs me. She needs someone to provide for her the resources that my family didn't, the support that she cannot get anywhere else. I give it to her because she needs it, and because Grace and I are the only ones who are around willing to provide it, and because I love her. Someday, she won't need us anymore, she'll finish college and get a job, or find a man and get what she needs from him, or she'll just grow and mature to the point where she can be independant. Until then, I'll be there to guide and protect her, as will Grace.
Which is the stronger relationship? Neither, really. They're just different. Being needed, by Sissy, by a pregnant 13-year-old afraid to talk to her parents, by students with no other stable adults in their lives, this validates me in a way that being wanted doesn't. It makes me feel as if I'm not disposable. Being wanted fulfills me in a way that being needed doesn't.
One more example. I don't need sweetpea in my life, but having her there for me makes me very, very happy; I do want her there.
Yes, I like to be needed. But being needed is draining in a way being wanted isn't. Being wanted fills you up; being needed drains you. Both can be worthy experiences, and I don't want to be without both in my life.
On the other hand, I need Grace in a way she doesn't need me, and I'm forever grateful that she doesn't seem to see this as a burden. She's a giver, in a profession that is about serving people in need. That I need her, and love her, and want her all seem to be sustaining things. She thrives on helping people in need. We're all wired differently.
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I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.
~Steven Colbert
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