Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - past relationships:the backlash...your opinions please

abaya · 05-03-2005, 09:17 PM

^ lindsey, thanks for that quote. It makes it very clear what I have thought for a while about my upbringing... my mom had quite serious emotional abuse issues (she works on them more now, but they are still there), with all of the above except for the last three, I guess.

The worst part is that I inherited so much of it, without even knowing... like the home was my amniotic sac and I couldn't help but absorb everything that came through my parents' system, for good or ill, since I was just a little kid most of the time. I have spent the last, oh, 5 years trying to get that shit out of my system and it STILL erupts in issues with my bf, who is incredibly patient and forgiving when I don't feel much like deserving it.

Annie, I'm certainly not excusing your bf's reactions b/c of his family (EVERYONE has the responsibility to become a more healthy person and recognize their weaknesses, and work on them)... but just saying, some things are so deep under the skin, and some habits so ingrained, that you will never be able to change him. He has to want to do that himself, and he has to take the initiative to go to counseling and try to change *because* he cares about himself, and because he wants to be a better person for your relationship. If he is not doing that, he is not worth your energy investment right now, because he is basically a black hole that will suck you dry without even realizing it, if you allow that to happen.

So, yes, at this point you ought to walk away. Sorry for the rambling, got a lot on my mind tonight obviously.

EDIT: Maybe this should go in the Coming Together thread... but let's keep in mind that the man is not always the bad guy. In my opinion (obviously based on my experience) women can be exceptionally good at emotional abuse, almost moreso because they are socialized in school to manipulate subtly to get their way with friends, instead of being unladylike and have physical fights, as guys do. So both men and women abuse... let's keep it equal opportunity here (wry smile).

05-03-2005, 09:17 PM	#46 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	^ lindsey, thanks for that quote. It makes it very clear what I have thought for a while about my upbringing... my mom had quite serious emotional abuse issues (she works on them more now, but they are still there), with all of the above except for the last three, I guess. The worst part is that I inherited so much of it, without even knowing... like the home was my amniotic sac and I couldn't help but absorb everything that came through my parents' system, for good or ill, since I was just a little kid most of the time. I have spent the last, oh, 5 years trying to get that shit out of my system and it STILL erupts in issues with my bf, who is incredibly patient and forgiving when I don't feel much like deserving it. Annie, I'm certainly not excusing your bf's reactions b/c of his family (EVERYONE has the responsibility to become a more healthy person and recognize their weaknesses, and work on them)... but just saying, some things are so deep under the skin, and some habits so ingrained, that you will never be able to change him. He has to want to do that himself, and he has to take the initiative to go to counseling and try to change because he cares about himself, and because he wants to be a better person for your relationship. If he is not doing that, he is not worth your energy investment right now, because he is basically a black hole that will suck you dry without even realizing it, if you allow that to happen. So, yes, at this point you ought to walk away. Sorry for the rambling, got a lot on my mind tonight obviously. EDIT: Maybe this should go in the Coming Together thread... but let's keep in mind that the man is not always the bad guy. In my opinion (obviously based on my experience) women can be exceptionally good at emotional abuse, almost moreso because they are socialized in school to manipulate subtly to get their way with friends, instead of being unladylike and have physical fights, as guys do. So both men and women abuse... let's keep it equal opportunity here (wry smile). __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran Last edited by abaya; 05-03-2005 at 09:25 PM..