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jimbob961 · 05-01-2005, 05:22 PM

Hope this hasn't been posted, but I'm sure it has.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a celebrity in Texas, that is,
to be a judge at a chili cook-off at the State Fair. As it was, I
happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the original "Judge #3" called in sick at the last moment. I
was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans, by the way) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have
all the free beer I wanted during the tasting, so naturally I accepted."

Here are the scorecards / judge's notes from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie- talkie in 3 extra
beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; barmaid
pounded me on the back. My backbone is now in the front part of my
chest.
Also getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT. What is this nuclear waste
I'm eating?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Good use of shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
a
pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop

screaming. F__k those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice

and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut
Sally. I really need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about

Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a f__king grenade in my mouth, pull the f__king
pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and
the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid uncontrollably out of my goddamned mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my f__kin' shirt. At least during the
autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's
too painful. F__k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my f__king stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going
to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: Uuggh.... F__k....

05-01-2005, 05:22 PM	#1 (permalink)
jimbob961 Upright	The Chili Judge Hope this hasn't been posted, but I'm sure it has. Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a celebrity in Texas, that is, to be a judge at a chili cook-off at the State Fair. As it was, I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the original "Judge #3" called in sick at the last moment. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans, by the way) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the tasting, so naturally I accepted." Here are the scorecards / judge's notes from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie- talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; barmaid pounded me on the back. My backbone is now in the front part of my chest. Also getting shit-faced. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT. What is this nuclear waste I'm eating? Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Good use of shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F__k those rednecks! Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I really need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a f__king grenade in my mouth, pull the f__king pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid uncontrollably out of my goddamned mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my f__kin' shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F__k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my f__king stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: Uuggh.... F__k....