I grew up watching my parents fight very unfairly... from screaming to throwing things and accusing each other of all kinds of inhumane thoughts and actions. Not to mention conducting these arguments at all times of night or day, in front of me, and dredging up shit from the past as well as major guilt tripping... the list goes on.
Watching all this left a deep impression on me in two ways:
#1, I inherited some of these negative patterns, though didn't realize this until my first serious relational conflicts. This fact scared me and made me wonder if I could ever have a good relationship [good thing I was wrong!].
#2, I desired to conduct my future relationships in ways wholly different from what I had absorbed as a child. I started thinking that my parents would have communicated so much more effectively if they had sworn to stick by a few ground rules during their yelling matches. I've seen people who fight very fair, and are closer as a result of their disagreement... and I want to become more like them.
So, my question for you all is, what are some of the rules that you use in fighting fair with your SO? I will list some that I've come up with today (after a heated discussion with my bf last night; for the most part we are learning how to fight fair, but it is a process
)... feel free to add your own, or to say that you disagree with one of my rules.
* Speak up (not holding it in) if something is on your mind and the other person is able and willing to listen.
* Honor both people’s time commitments and responsibilities; also be willing to prioritize the relationship and sacrifice an activity if there is no other time.
* If for any reason the discussion cannot take place at that time, or if it gets to a point where nothing can be resolved, then say clearly that “I care about you and I want to work on this with you; however, we need to do this another time.” Then set a different time and stick to it.
* Use “I feel___when you___” statements, not “You always/never ___” etc.
* Do not assume anything is a personal attack, even if it sounds like one. Instead, be aware of your own emotional reaction and think about why you are reacting that way, then communicate it if possible…
* But if someone does get angry, blaming, sarcastic… call them on it immediately.
* Look for chances to affirm each other, if possible, during the discussion (even if it’s just a touch on the arm or a little kiss).
* Don’t use negative language about the other person or yourself (esp. victimization of self or demonization of the other).
* Swearing should be a last resort, and not directed towards the other person.
* Do not raise your voice or a hand to the other person, especially as a form of intimidation. Hold the other person accountable if they do these things.
* Always respond to the other person, even if it’s just with sounds or eye contact.
* Be attentive to what is needed by the other person...
* But if someone isn't being as attentive, or if you just need to communicate unmet needs in general, state clearly that “I need you to____ when I ____,” instead of demanding.
* Be prepared to admit that you are wrong and apologize without qualms.
* Always work towards a resolution, or at least towards clearing the air of strong feelings until a resolution can be found.
* Never walk out on anyone unless there is a possibility of violence.
* Explain to children what is going on so they are not scared.