Zegel

Thanks everyone for your advice!

EULA, I think my natural instict is to do exactly what you're saying. Simply put, I'm not a controlling person. Unfortunately this isnt a perfect world and I think when it comes to parenting, my natural instict is dead wrong. If you simply let a child make her own choices, she isnt going to respect your word at an early age. Sure, she may understand and appreciate the freedom when she's older, but the younger ones need some sort of a guiding hand to help them along.

Children are children and have not learned that some actions have dire consequences. At one point my girl told me she did not need to wear her seatbelt, because she could hold on tight instead. I could take your approach and explain to her that that wont work and that she could be very hurt, without making her wear it, but what if she disagrees? I've been told things like "No, that is not the moon because it is out in the daytime - you're wrong." She simply does not know because she hasnt learned that lesson yet. To her, the seatbelt is annoying and since she has never been hurt or seen anyone hurt in a car accident, she doesnt know about the danger.

The same goes for your example of cookies. There is no guarantee that she will eat them until she gets sick - children arent animals and tend to exhibit self control in atleast moderate amounts. There is a good chance that she will eat them in moderation, never getting sick. But if I let that go on year after year, she will eventually be very unhealthy.

There are hundreds if not thousands of examples like those above. So, I'm sorry, but I'm not going let my five year old make decisions that may endanger her life. Sure, I will attempt to give her choice as often as possible, but I will never let that limit my ability to protect her.


Sexymama, your suggestions are things that we have thought of before, but failed to apply correctly. I think you're right when you say that it's not always what you do, but how you do it. And with this girl sometimes I find that if I dont do things just right, I trap myself =P. She definitely does not like to be controlled, and is smart enough to see the holes in our techniques.

For instance, we've used the 'Grandma's Rule' fairly often:

If we said that and left her to her own devices, she would pick up her toys five minutes before bedtime and then ask to watch a movie.

When she tries to bend a rule like that (and bending rules is pretty much the core of our problems, so this can apply to many things), I see two different solutions:

1. Be extremely specific when informing her of what a rule is. While this eliminates the loopholes, it's also extremely controlling. I.e. let her know that she has five minutes to clean up her toys or she does not get to watch a movie.

2. Let her attempt to use a loophole, and when she does, explain to her why it doesnt work that way. I.e. let her play five minutes until bedtime, when she asks to then watch a movie, let her know that she made a choice to spend all of her time playing and now we have to go to bed without a movie.

I usually lean towards #2, she might get upset, but hopefully she learns a small lesson in time management in the process. If anyone has alternative ideas, feel free to let me know .

But most importantly, I think I'll take your suggesting to spend more time with her. I know lack of attention can lead to these types of problems, but like everyone we lead busy lives so I can see where sometimes she could feel ignored. Busy lives or not, I'm sure we can make more time to interact with her.