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Originally Posted by sexymama
However, I can enforce a bedtime and it can be done respectfully. Don't you have to arrive to work on time? Don't you want out of work on time? The reason situations like that work is because of mutual respect.
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They don't have to be asleep or in their beds to respect your slumber.
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Natural consequences, in this case being overtired in the morning but still being required to go to school, helps a child learn and set her/his own boundaries.
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I think schools are psychotic prisons, so naturally I won't be waking them up in the morning. They will wake when they are finished sleeping.
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However, there are times when I don't want nature to teach my child. I don't want her to learn that playing in the street is dangerous by getting hit by a car; nor do I want him to learn that brushing your teeth is necessary by getting rotten teeth. Some rules and boundaries are necessary. That doesn't mean there is not respect -- on the contrary, I love and respect my children enough to give them boundaries. (I see you say that somewhat above -- again, a "gray" area.)
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You don't have to have boundaries. Just tell them, "If you play in the street there is great risk to your life." "If you don't brush your teeth, your teeth will rot." Children can understand these things without being bullied.
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It is interesting to me that you equate rules with complexity and punishment. I think that rules don't mean either of those things. They simply mean that an environment is created in which all persons involved feel important, valued, and respected. For example, my children must do chores. Why? Because they are a valued part of this family who need to participate in keeping the household running.
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Does anyone make YOU do chores? Making them do chores cheapens the gesture your wanting them to make.
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Another example, if you are feeling moody, angry, etc., go on time out. I model putting myself on time out and yes, my children have been known to put themselves on time out. Time out is not a punishment, it is time to cool down and regroup (such as in a basketball game).
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But you aren't making them go on time out here, you are modeling behavior.
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Finally, giving children boundaries is not disrespecting them.
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Respect is
enough of a boundary that takes care of many common issues you raised. Yeah, sometimes they will cross the line, but that fact doesn't need to be pointed out.
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Children are given parents because they need guidance! Boundaries are the guides (we have them in society as well, they are called laws.) If children could make it in the world on their own, they wouldn't be given parents.
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The nuclear family as we know it is relatively modern. Also, 100 years ago adulthood started at 12, 600 years ago in Europe it started at 3. Don't expect your child to mature when their locked in rooms with 30 other children and removed of individuality for 6 hours at school, and then come home to overbearing parents.
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Doing a good job parenting is difficult work. It takes thought, respect and love. Please don't undermine or underestimate the value of a good parent.
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I'm not dis'ing "good parents", I'm just saying it's not that difficult. Let your kids do what they want, don't send them to school, and model what you believe is appropriate behavior. Yes, it's messy at first, but the family will unfold naturally. Don't be jealous of their freedom.
