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Magpie0001 · 04-18-2005, 10:11 AM

I am right now at the bottom of a bout of depression. For some reason I feel like expressing, maybe it will make me feel better. To be honest, Im not sure if Ill even click the submit button, but im going to fire it down anyway.
At the bottom is a poem (i cant write poetry) I wrote about a year ago when in a similar frame of mind. Im not looking for help or support, this is not a cry for help, maybe someone will read this & recognise it in someone. Please forgive spelling & gramatical errors, im not going for accuracy here.
So here goes:

I suffered from depression soince I was about 12 - 13. At first I didnt understand what was happening to me. I had uncontrolable fits of panic mixed with the need to be alone. Over the years Ive come to the conclusion that depression is a part of me, & It will always be a part of me. It is my oldest companion.
I went to doctors & got pills but they made me feel nothing & made my dick useless. Ive been to various psyciatrists over the years & some of them helped. I cant do that now however because, well, basically Im broke. I read reems of literature about depression, psyciatry, chemical imbalances, socioligy, intimacy issues, anything I could get my hands on that might shed a light on my problem.
I want people to know how badly this invisable sickness has crippled me (& others). I cant communicate like other people, I have no (zero) friends & havent had any for a few years now. Basic everyday social interactions are difficult for me. I dislike being touched & am rarely comfortable in company. Its been so long Im unsure of my ability to be "intamite" with anyone but the most understanding woman. I have no prospects, no qualifications, no money, no direction. I have not cried for years & so desperately need to shed tears. My chest feels both hollow & weighted, If you have never felt it, Its difficult to understand such sorrow. I want to stop feeling. Imagine an emmotion so cold it freezes your heart. I dont want to die, I want never to have existed.
I understand that I have only myself to blame for cultivation this nightmare. I feel so guilty because my family dispairs that they can neither help nor understand whats happening to me. Only the pain I would cause them keeps me from suicide.

No rapture
no vigour
no focus
days flitter by ceaselessly
i suffer only vacancy
drenched in stagnation
no capacity
no drive
no escape
empty pages of 24 idle undventful
no screams
no sobs
my mind exerts to realise emmotion
i passed tomorrow in my sleep
no knowledge of feeling or feeling
hostaged by stifiling inability
no bright memories
no shining hopes
i engage myself & am always worsted
no passion no keen itch
nothing eager
arms twistless
stunted essence feels like past
like future
like now
i evaluate great distances & discover
valueless passage
my shackle is I
intamite conviction posesses me utterly.

Thanks for reading.

04-18-2005, 10:11 AM	#1 (permalink)
Magpie0001 Nobody Loves Me Location: Irish In Madrid	Some writing about depression I am right now at the bottom of a bout of depression. For some reason I feel like expressing, maybe it will make me feel better. To be honest, Im not sure if Ill even click the submit button, but im going to fire it down anyway. At the bottom is a poem (i cant write poetry) I wrote about a year ago when in a similar frame of mind. Im not looking for help or support, this is not a cry for help, maybe someone will read this & recognise it in someone. Please forgive spelling & gramatical errors, im not going for accuracy here. So here goes: I suffered from depression soince I was about 12 - 13. At first I didnt understand what was happening to me. I had uncontrolable fits of panic mixed with the need to be alone. Over the years Ive come to the conclusion that depression is a part of me, & It will always be a part of me. It is my oldest companion. I went to doctors & got pills but they made me feel nothing & made my dick useless. Ive been to various psyciatrists over the years & some of them helped. I cant do that now however because, well, basically Im broke. I read reems of literature about depression, psyciatry, chemical imbalances, socioligy, intimacy issues, anything I could get my hands on that might shed a light on my problem. I want people to know how badly this invisable sickness has crippled me (& others). I cant communicate like other people, I have no (zero) friends & havent had any for a few years now. Basic everyday social interactions are difficult for me. I dislike being touched & am rarely comfortable in company. Its been so long Im unsure of my ability to be "intamite" with anyone but the most understanding woman. I have no prospects, no qualifications, no money, no direction. I have not cried for years & so desperately need to shed tears. My chest feels both hollow & weighted, If you have never felt it, Its difficult to understand such sorrow. I want to stop feeling. Imagine an emmotion so cold it freezes your heart. I dont want to die, I want never to have existed. I understand that I have only myself to blame for cultivation this nightmare. I feel so guilty because my family dispairs that they can neither help nor understand whats happening to me. Only the pain I would cause them keeps me from suicide. No rapture no vigour no focus days flitter by ceaselessly i suffer only vacancy drenched in stagnation no capacity no drive no escape empty pages of 24 idle undventful no screams no sobs my mind exerts to realise emmotion i passed tomorrow in my sleep no knowledge of feeling or feeling hostaged by stifiling inability no bright memories no shining hopes i engage myself & am always worsted no passion no keen itch nothing eager arms twistless stunted essence feels like past like future like now i evaluate great distances & discover valueless passage my shackle is I intamite conviction posesses me utterly. Thanks for reading. __________________ Music is my first love & It will be my last.