I’ve had a sort of epiphany recently that has to do with people. Generally in public without friends or family to keep me “out” I tend to withdraw from people and become cold and distant. Well I think I’ve figured out partially why, it’s cause I fucking hate them.
But no seriously, 93% of people I fucking hate their guts.
I think the cold and distant thing (happens totally automatically) is a coping mechanism I created some time ago to deal with people, because otherwise, I’d be a total prick. And it’s not so much that I hate them, strangers, personally, but it’s the fact that I can’t be myself around them and not be happier in public that I hate. Maybe what I’m getting at is the deep social masks we all put on, but it has more of a negative effect on me.
Something that’s interesting that had a part in making me realize this is that one of my newer friends (from this semester) was surprised when I told him what kind of music I liked (Black Sabbath, led zep, korn, etc.) He had thought I’d like much more mellow laid back music. The major thing that made me realize this [epiphany] though, was an incident that involved one of my teachers emailing me something that totally changed a 12 page paper (after I had already done it) that really pissed me off and yet during class time we interact in a friendly manner, and in some way I considered her to be one of my better teachers, but I realized I fucking hate her too. May not seem like much, but it snapped into place for me.
Any-hooo don’t get the wrong picture and think I’m depressed or something, I’m coping and learning so I see it in a positive light. That’s what we do, suffer and learn. Ain’t that life.
Anyone else ever feel what I'm getting at?