Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post

sexymama · 04-14-2005, 06:35 PM

You've been given very good advice above. It will take time for things to change in your household because she is going to remember the "old way" and work to gain the control back. Just keep reminding yourself, you are the adult and she is the child. Children have parents for a reason -- they aren't ready to face the world on their own and they need your guidance.

To avoid arguing I have several suggestions:

1. As reanna said, give her choices whenever possible. Make them both choices you can live with and follow through. She needs a sense of personal power and control.

2. Use "grandma's rule." When you finish picking up your toys, then we can watch your movie. Note -- it is not if you finish picking up your toys, because that implies choice and she doesn't have a choice but to do her chore.

3. Acknowledge her feelings, but don't give in. "I understand not wanting to go to school. There are days when I don't feel like working. But we all have our jobs and now it's time to go." Then go -- even if it means phsyically lifting her up and bringing her.

4. If you are going to do a reward chart, she is only five so rewards must be frequent. In other words, something like after five stars we'll go to DQ. Do not make her earn five stars in a row because that means she has to start over whenever she has a bad day and that may feel defeating. Whereas, if she can earn the fifth star tomorrow and still get icecream, there is more motivation to behave the next day. After she has been rewarded several times, increase the number of stars needed and possibly make the reward bigger. (Note, I'm not huge on rewarding children for what they should do. My kids only earn stars for extra things -- beyond what is expected; but that may need to be down the road for you.)

5. MAYBE MOST IMPORTANT you cannot control another human being. You can only control yourself. Instead of telling her what to do, tell her what you are going to do. "I will listen when you use a nice tone of voice." "The car is leaving in 5 minutes." "I am turning off the television until you can cooperate." "Frankly, I'm not enjoying being with you right now, so I'm going upstairs to play on the computer." (The last one may seem harsh, but reality is no one likes to be around a bratty person. Isn't it better she learn it now then as an adult?)

6. Frequently children misbehave because they are craving their parents' attention. It may be that you need to give her more positive attention. Play games with her, read with her, go outside and walk, talk, etc. as often as possible. Just make sure you are giving her attention (not praise, as research shows that kids hate fake praise and would much rather have some of your real time) not only when she is arguing, but at other times as well.

7. Be consistent, even when it is easier to give in. It pays off!

Good luck and if you want more ideas, I highly recommend Love and Logic Parenting classes and/or tapes and videos which can be purchased on their website. (No, I am not a trainer and reap nothing from telling you this.)

04-14-2005, 06:35 PM	#10 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	You've been given very good advice above. It will take time for things to change in your household because she is going to remember the "old way" and work to gain the control back. Just keep reminding yourself, you are the adult and she is the child. Children have parents for a reason -- they aren't ready to face the world on their own and they need your guidance. To avoid arguing I have several suggestions: 1. As reanna said, give her choices whenever possible. Make them both choices you can live with and follow through. She needs a sense of personal power and control. 2. Use "grandma's rule." When you finish picking up your toys, then we can watch your movie. Note -- it is not if you finish picking up your toys, because that implies choice and she doesn't have a choice but to do her chore. 3. Acknowledge her feelings, but don't give in. "I understand not wanting to go to school. There are days when I don't feel like working. But we all have our jobs and now it's time to go." Then go -- even if it means phsyically lifting her up and bringing her. 4. If you are going to do a reward chart, she is only five so rewards must be frequent. In other words, something like after five stars we'll go to DQ. Do not make her earn five stars in a row because that means she has to start over whenever she has a bad day and that may feel defeating. Whereas, if she can earn the fifth star tomorrow and still get icecream, there is more motivation to behave the next day. After she has been rewarded several times, increase the number of stars needed and possibly make the reward bigger. (Note, I'm not huge on rewarding children for what they should do. My kids only earn stars for extra things -- beyond what is expected; but that may need to be down the road for you.) 5. MAYBE MOST IMPORTANT you cannot control another human being. You can only control yourself. Instead of telling her what to do, tell her what you are going to do. "I will listen when you use a nice tone of voice." "The car is leaving in 5 minutes." "I am turning off the television until you can cooperate." "Frankly, I'm not enjoying being with you right now, so I'm going upstairs to play on the computer." (The last one may seem harsh, but reality is no one likes to be around a bratty person. Isn't it better she learn it now then as an adult?) 6. Frequently children misbehave because they are craving their parents' attention. It may be that you need to give her more positive attention. Play games with her, read with her, go outside and walk, talk, etc. as often as possible. Just make sure you are giving her attention (not praise, as research shows that kids hate fake praise and would much rather have some of your real time) not only when she is arguing, but at other times as well. 7. Be consistent, even when it is easier to give in. It pays off! Good luck and if you want more ideas, I highly recommend Love and Logic Parenting classes and/or tapes and videos which can be purchased on their website. (No, I am not a trainer and reap nothing from telling you this.) __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.