ryborg

My experiences with the Christan faith ultimately caused me to abandoned it. I say abandoned, but in truth I have not left in entirely. Today it is more like I barely hang onto it with the tips of my fingers. Let me share with you my experiences at the Presbyterian church I was bought up into, and the Methodist church I later regularly visited, and the church of lunatics that would ultimately split me away entirely.

The beginning of the end for me started back in middle school. I was attending confirmation and about to become a full blown Presbyterian. I really came to despise this time of day every Wednesday. Our teacher had no control or authority, which a room packed full of middle schoolers most certainly needs. She tried her best to teach us about the bible and being a Presbyterian, but she just came off as ridiculous to me. How could she tell me about God, the supreme being that created me and gave me a soul, when she couldn't keep Timmy the ADHD kid in his seat? It seems like the topic is serious enough that it demands real consideration. You don't get that in a room full of middle schoolers.

Looking back she really was probably a good person to speak to us about our faith. Her husband had a brain tumor that was slowly killing him. When she and her family had moved here my mom took it upon herself to help them get adjusted into our town. I entertained one of her kids for a while, but I really didn't like him that much and no real friendship was born out of it. However, my mom did get to know her and her husband, which is how I know about their rather complicated family situation. I remember my mom confiding in me that her husband had to listen to audio books because the tumor had destroyed his ability to read. Things like this however, were somehow lost in my middle school mind. Confirmation was a personal torture session I had to endure every Wednesday.

My confirmation group even went on a weekend retreat to some remote location so we could bond with God in someplace other than our home, which apparently makes the bond that much stronger. I barely made it through this experience. I was already frustrated with the Wednesday visits alone, and this futile camping trip was nearly unbearable. I remember how shallow and false it felt to me. This was not how I wanted to come to know God. A fucking camping trip with a bunch of hyper idiots. When it was finally over I was disgusted by the experience and felt betrayed, but I wanted my soul to be saved so I stuck with it.

When the end of confirmation finally came our teacher wanted us to give a sermon. Nobody had the balls to do it so I took the responsibility upon myself. I wrote my sermon around our theme, which was the clever acronym FROG (Full Rely on God). I put my story writing abilities to good use and wrote an allegory that used the image of a tadpole transforming into a frog to metaphorically describe the discovery of faith one makes when he/she truly believes in God. When I gave that sermon, even just as a middle schooler, I had the whole church wrapped around my scrawny fingers. They laughed at the funny parts and were concerned at all the frightening parts. That day I told everyone in my church what it meant to have faith and be a good Christian through the innocent perspective of a tadpole. After that, I would never truly attend church again. I went back once to get baptized, and maybe a few times during holidays, but it meant nothing. I was only going because I was going. Slowly I stopped going altogether. The irony of that situation still stuns me today.

Fast forward to high school. After growing distant with my own church I attended a Methodist youth group with a friend of mine in hopes of regaining some salvation points. It turned out that it was lead by a Radical Teen Youth Invader, a term I created to describe those irritating bastards who try to get you to believe what they do by forcing their ideals down your throat with heaping loads of annoying optimism and seemingly endless amounts of mega-energy. It wasn't so bad actually. In fact, it was way better than my terrible experiences at confirmation. The people there at least seemed enthusiastic about their faith, and I used it as a chance to get out and socialize a bit. This experience, however, would also crash and burn.

My buddy's youth group was going to a super powerful youth rally at a place called New Life Assembly. I had never been scared of Christians before. That night that would change – horribly change. Everything started casual enough. There were many youth groups there, and everyone was having a good time. But then the atmosphere suddenly changed. We were all herded like cattle downstairs into a basement. Little did I realize that I was about to witness a mass production brainwashing session in action.

The lights suddenly went off and intense, Christian rock music began to play. Many of the kids, who clearly thought this was totally awesome, began to dance and expressively reach towards the sky as if to receive god's spirit. OK, so we have some intense Christians here that are clearly very comfortable with their faith. That's OK, I can handle a few people getting into the music, even if I'm not that into it. Me and my buddy try to act like we're not totally uncomfortable, but slowly everyone starts to join in, hands raised in the air like they are hailing Hitler rather than God. At this point me and my buddy notice a gigantic fat woman walking down the isle. She has her hands raised in the air, tears streaming down her eyes (either because she felt the power of god or because her knees where in excruciating pain from supporting her own bloated body), and she is singing at the top of her lungs.

I can't take this, I thought.

After a few more Christian super songs everyone sits down and an entire host of Radical Teen Youth Invaders appears on stage, each positively exploding with Christian mega-energy. They begin to talk about the immense power of god, and they just keep getting more and more intense. Now, earlier I mentioned it looked like everyone was saluting Hitler rather than receiving god – looking back, I think me and my buddy may have been right. One of the Radical Teen Youth Invaders suddenly starts spouting about how we are the Army of God, and how we will bring glorious Christianity to the sin laden disbelievers with our righteous super powers.

My buddy, thank god he was there, leans over to me and suggests we get the heck out of there. Very casually, we slip out the back door. I am almost surprised we weren't stopped by a Christian SS squad of super believers and beaten to death for abandoning the faith rally.

I have never seen anything closer to mass hysteria than on that night.

That was truly the end for me. From then on, I viewed Christianity as a sick joke.

This story does not end totally bad, however. Despite my immense lack of faith a part of me still holds onto the tattered shreds still dangling in the wind. Today, I have a better relationship with God than I did before. I'm not saying its a stellar relationship, I'm just saying it has improved. To this day, I will stop every now and again, ask that my miserable sins be forgive, and thank God for the simple things that he has given me. I do not attend church. I do not recruit new Christians. I do not read the Bible. I do not Radically Invade Teen Youths. I do not spout scripture or even know half the stories in the Bible.

All I do is ask and thank.

I think God and I have come to an understanding. I respect what he has done for me in my own way now, and I think that is worth more than pretending to believe the way I was taught to believe. I think what I resent most about my religious past is how faith was shoved down my throat. I believe, very intensely, that faith is something you have to discover alone, regardless of your religion. Just going to church and going through the motions means nothing. Consuming a prescribed religion means nothing. I believe that your relationship with God, or any supreme being(s), should be just that – a relationship, and relationships are different for everyone. My relationship with God is very simple now, but its much better than what I had before. It's more genuine now. It isn't perfect by any means, and I have a lot of room to improve this relationship. But, at the very least, despite its weakness and the way it comes and goes, it's genuine. I think that's something even God appreciates.

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