The Russian Bride
So American girls are too good for me. Excuse me, I meant to say "American women". It's not as if I haven't tried either. I've tried talking to them and even dated a few -many years ago. They just don't work out. My personal theory is that they believe that they can do better. Way back in their subconcious -they're dating me and they think "This guy is alright but I can do better." Meanwhile, I KNOW I can do better. I've got the website to prove it.
I got myself a membership on this Russian dating site. Suddenly I feel like the only guy in a roomful of hot models. One of these girls; excuse me -women; has really taken a fancy to yours truly.
"I write you today Alpomale", (I never give my real name to these chicks); "to tell you that I am in love with you."
Wow, this chick is H-O-T. Her main photo is of her picking a flower and smelling it. She never looks at the camera in any of the photos. She's wearing what looks like a leopard print leotard and a blue jeans jacket. The blue jeans theme is continued down her perfectly proportioned legs.
"My hobbies are coin collecting and bathe in the sea. I ask you Alpomale do you like to bathe in sea?"
I pondered the question. What would it look like if I went down to the beach among the surfers with my soap and shampoo. Would people look at me strange? Perhaps she meant sunbathe? Perhaps she means to swim.
I looked at a map. Right there in the middle of Russia is the Caspian sea. Perhaps there are these landlocked saltwater lakes all over Russia. Confused, I wrote back:
"My Dear Svetlana, I am confused by what you mean when you say 'bathe in the sea'. We do go swimming here in the US but usually we take our bathes in the privacy of the bathroom."
She never answers my questions. This is one of the things that really bothers me about her. Well not the only thing. She's always borrowing money. First she needed to get her passport -then she needed to stay in Moscow for a few days while her papers were processed. Finally, she needed to buy the ticket.
And so here I wait by the Terminal 4 exit. Her plane arrives today and I am just so excited to see her. If I had hair I'd even comb it. I've got my best suit on and I have a dozen long stemmed roses. I can't wait to see her.
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