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BigBen · 03-30-2005, 01:53 PM

Let’s see, where did I leave off?

How about a couple of recruiting stories?

If you don’t know already or have never seen one, I have to say that the Recruiting part of the Forces is probably the toughest. You have to put on a happy face and endure all sorts of shit from the public that noone would ever put up with in other situations. The word comes down “We are running out of guys. I guess that we need some more. Go get some.” And we are then tasked to make up a stupid display for the public.

The questions we are asked are bullshit.
“Is that your gun?” No, it is my RIFLE. See post above
“Have you ever killed anyone?” How the fuck am I supposed to answer that? What could you possibly want from asking that?
1. Yes, but they were very bad people and they were trying to hurt other people.
2. Yes, my Sergeant told me the guy was bad, and only later did I find out that it was a 14 year old kid.
3. Yes, I’ve killed hundreds. But they were far away and I was just pulling a cord on a 155 howitzer.
4. No. I dress up like this to impress girls. Go ask your mom if it is working.
5. No. Like other PONTI’s, I pretend that I am tough, but the only time I heard hostile fire I wet my pants and hid in a hole.
6. No, but the day ain’t over yet kid. (my favourite)

The other good one you get is from the people that USED to be in the forces, and want to tell you their stories. Fuck off, old man. If you were anywhere near as cool as you think, you would have travelled forward in time and you would be kicking your own ass right now.

The best recruiting story ever:
I was told by my command that there was a technical school that requested we give a recruiting speech to the class.

Technical school? Like qualified trades personnel? Cooks, plumbers, mechanics? SHIT YES, we need those people bad, and having them trained already was a bonus. All they had to do was Basic and an equivalency exam. They could be qualified in about ¼ of the time. I got the posters, the hand-outs, the ‘freebies’ and headed there with a buddy.

We were early, as always. We set up in the classroom and started to make bets:
“First one to sign a mechanic gets a case of beer.”
“First one to sign a hot female gets a case of beer.” (sorry for the sexism. I have since realized the error of my ways)

And then the class came in. These folks looked a little rough. I was expecting some fresh faces, instead I saw some neck tattoos and scars. What was this?

About 10 minutes into the speech “We can provide a steady income and a rewarding career with a clear promotion ladder blahblahblah” I noticed that their eyes started to glaze over. There was someone to my right that was translating into sign language. No big deal, I just kept on going. These were TRAINED PEOPLE WITH A TRADE…

“Are there any questions so far?” I asked. You have to ensure you aren’t lying to them, and when the attention goes (you presenters know what I am talking about) you have to make things a little bit more participatory.

A hand flew up into the air. Young man, about 20ish “Do you guys accept people with epilepsy?”
I paused, having never been asked that question. I was caught off guard:
“Uh, no, I am sorry to say we don’t. There are basic medical qualifications that are needed, and I think that epilepsy is on the list of conditions that would make a candidate unsuccessful.”
“Oh…” was his reply, and his eyes sunk to his shoes. Obviously this guy had epilepsy, and was hoping to find a rewarding career with us.
Another hand flew up. “What about amputees?” Oh shit, I thought. What have I got myself into? “Um, no, part of the physical nature of the job requires that people have all of their body parts.” Another disappointed look on someone’s face.

Right about then I decided to go into the bare requirements of the application process, and people looked at me in puzzlement. The person standing with me interpreting sign language muttered, “I guess hearing impaired people are out too?” and as I nodded, I could hear a sigh from the back of the room and the interpreter made a rude gesture.

We were thanked politely for our time and sent on our way. I asked the commander later “What the fuck did you send us into? What just happened over there?”
“It was an adult basic education class for people who have special needs. They asked for us to come.” He saw no problem with the situation.
“You sent me into a fucking ambush! I thought we were recruiting Journeyman Trades, Asshole!”

It ended up that the only person that fit the basic medical and educational requirements (and I mean real basic) was under a court order to stay away from firearms for the next 3 years. He asked if I could make an exception. I said no.

It was the toughest crowd ever. Their teacher told them that if they apply themselves they could be anything they wanted to be in the whole world, and I suppose some of them thought that the army thing was a pretty good gig considering their alternatives. To go in there and kill their dreams was one of the hardest things I have done.

If you have a bad job to give someone, at least tell them what they are getting into, and why they are doing it in the first place. Please, as a personal favour to me.

03-30-2005, 01:53 PM	#64 (permalink)
BigBen Comedian Location: Use the search button	Let’s see, where did I leave off? How about a couple of recruiting stories? If you don’t know already or have never seen one, I have to say that the Recruiting part of the Forces is probably the toughest. You have to put on a happy face and endure all sorts of shit from the public that noone would ever put up with in other situations. The word comes down “We are running out of guys. I guess that we need some more. Go get some.” And we are then tasked to make up a stupid display for the public. The questions we are asked are bullshit. “Is that your gun?” No, it is my RIFLE. See post above “Have you ever killed anyone?” How the fuck am I supposed to answer that? What could you possibly want from asking that? 1. Yes, but they were very bad people and they were trying to hurt other people. 2. Yes, my Sergeant told me the guy was bad, and only later did I find out that it was a 14 year old kid. 3. Yes, I’ve killed hundreds. But they were far away and I was just pulling a cord on a 155 howitzer. 4. No. I dress up like this to impress girls. Go ask your mom if it is working. 5. No. Like other PONTI’s, I pretend that I am tough, but the only time I heard hostile fire I wet my pants and hid in a hole. 6. No, but the day ain’t over yet kid. (my favourite) The other good one you get is from the people that USED to be in the forces, and want to tell you their stories. Fuck off, old man. If you were anywhere near as cool as you think, you would have travelled forward in time and you would be kicking your own ass right now. The best recruiting story ever: I was told by my command that there was a technical school that requested we give a recruiting speech to the class. Technical school? Like qualified trades personnel? Cooks, plumbers, mechanics? SHIT YES, we need those people bad, and having them trained already was a bonus. All they had to do was Basic and an equivalency exam. They could be qualified in about ¼ of the time. I got the posters, the hand-outs, the ‘freebies’ and headed there with a buddy. We were early, as always. We set up in the classroom and started to make bets: “First one to sign a mechanic gets a case of beer.” “First one to sign a hot female gets a case of beer.” (sorry for the sexism. I have since realized the error of my ways) And then the class came in. These folks looked a little rough. I was expecting some fresh faces, instead I saw some neck tattoos and scars. What was this? About 10 minutes into the speech “We can provide a steady income and a rewarding career with a clear promotion ladder blahblahblah” I noticed that their eyes started to glaze over. There was someone to my right that was translating into sign language. No big deal, I just kept on going. These were TRAINED PEOPLE WITH A TRADE… “Are there any questions so far?” I asked. You have to ensure you aren’t lying to them, and when the attention goes (you presenters know what I am talking about) you have to make things a little bit more participatory. A hand flew up into the air. Young man, about 20ish “Do you guys accept people with epilepsy?” I paused, having never been asked that question. I was caught off guard: “Uh, no, I am sorry to say we don’t. There are basic medical qualifications that are needed, and I think that epilepsy is on the list of conditions that would make a candidate unsuccessful.” “Oh…” was his reply, and his eyes sunk to his shoes. Obviously this guy had epilepsy, and was hoping to find a rewarding career with us. Another hand flew up. “What about amputees?” Oh shit, I thought. What have I got myself into? “Um, no, part of the physical nature of the job requires that people have all of their body parts.” Another disappointed look on someone’s face. Right about then I decided to go into the bare requirements of the application process, and people looked at me in puzzlement. The person standing with me interpreting sign language muttered, “I guess hearing impaired people are out too?” and as I nodded, I could hear a sigh from the back of the room and the interpreter made a rude gesture. We were thanked politely for our time and sent on our way. I asked the commander later “What the fuck did you send us into? What just happened over there?” “It was an adult basic education class for people who have special needs. They asked for us to come.” He saw no problem with the situation. “You sent me into a fucking ambush! I thought we were recruiting Journeyman Trades, Asshole!” It ended up that the only person that fit the basic medical and educational requirements (and I mean real basic) was under a court order to stay away from firearms for the next 3 years. He asked if I could make an exception. I said no. It was the toughest crowd ever. Their teacher told them that if they apply themselves they could be anything they wanted to be in the whole world, and I suppose some of them thought that the army thing was a pretty good gig considering their alternatives. To go in there and kill their dreams was one of the hardest things I have done. If you have a bad job to give someone, at least tell them what they are getting into, and why they are doing it in the first place. Please, as a personal favour to me. __________________ 3.141592654 Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.