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I've known several women, and a few men, who've had pain, or disfunction, or some other aversion reaction to sex, when they feel pressured, or stressed about it, or that their lover wants them mainly for sex. What can a lover do when their SO is having these sort of reactions?
Well, the good news is that enough cuddling love, without sexual pressure, will be helpful. The bad news is that it's a lot like dieting. You can't completely stop eating, but you have to learn to feel differently about food.
My guess would be that La Petite Moi has an inner feeling that she shouldn't be having sex before marraige; that her family would not approve or understand; or that having sex cheapens her. Whatever it may be, she has inner conflicts with being sexual. She probably doesn't known about them herself, at least not very clearly. But these conflicts cause her to feel pain, and other physical symptoms when she is sexual.
Her guy reacts in a typical male way, the harder it is to get, the harder he tries, ie. more is better. But that makes the situation for La Petite worse, not better.
I recommend you, nwlinkvxd, take a one month moratorium on sex, at least with each other, and just cuddle. Mostly, or exclusively non-sexual touching and absolutely no sexual pressure. You must show her that you love her, being with her, and would want to be with her even without any sex. And you need to show her until she knows that it's true.
La Petite, you need to contemplate, in a really deep way, what your inner feelings about being loved are, and what your inner feelings about being sexual are. I'm saying, I think your experiences indicate that you have not been true to how your really feel. So your body punishes you for acting false with yourself. A large part, and the essential part, of curing yourself, is to find out who you really are, and learn to be true to yourself.
If your man backs off, and gives you the space to just feel loved and cuddled, and does it long enough, you'll eventually begin to feel much more comfortable and confident about his love. As you feel more confident in being loved, you'll feel increased desire to express that love sexually.
But you have to build love first. This modern pattern of bed first and then see if a loving relationship develops, actually stymies both love and the deeper pleasures of sex. Not to mention what it does to the divorce rate. Our grandparents had some wisdom in their social behaviors. Nonsexual courting for a good while, to build affection and relationship, then a period of trying to remain pure until the wedding (many times they didn't succeed, but trying was a good thing) and a sexual relationship developing within the security and love of a lifetime commitment of marriage. It turns out that really good sex requires that deep trust and security of that kind of commitment. Is that what you'd really like? Maybe that's what your body is telling you?
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Trueheart
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