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Ok, ok I got it to work. I'm making this post just to record my findings so i wont forget, and of course if anyone else ever has this exceedingly strange problem. I havnt actually, er, solved anything, to be honest. But this workaround works:
C:\windows\system32\msiexec.exe /i "Path\....\file.msi" /TARGETDIR="Path\etcetc"
Without the TARGETDIR property in the cmdline, it would begin the installation setup, but would yell error and bail off its skatebaord when the actual file-copying stage began. With TARGETDIR it works fine.
Fuckin wierd, but there you go. After several hours of playing with permissions, user accounts and security policies, I had to go play Quake3 just so I didnt throw the fucking thing across the room. Good god. I swear its taken, like, 3 years off my life.
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ignorance really is bliss.
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