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qweds · 03-12-2005, 10:26 AM

If this should go somewhere else please feel free o moderator

This happened about a year ago. I was living in my fraternity house, and, because I want to excuse myself, at a time when our house had been going thorugh alot of shit. Anyways on with the story.

So as everyone who's been to college knows there's a fairly easy way to get free pizza if you really need. You just call and order several pizzas for different dorms, and you set it so the delivery guy will take the one's you don't want first. Since they're always busy as shit, at least in my town, they often leave the door unlocked, which is fine unless they're being scammed. So this is a pretty reliable way to get a pizza once and a while and to piss off the drivers.

What follows is a highly un-reliable way to get pizza and which I strongly reccomend against.

Well I'm drunk. Proper drunk. Correction, crunk.

It's about 7-8 in the evening, on a Friday as I recall. We'd been drinking since 3 or 4. Out of nowhere someone notices a pizza car outside, and the driver is the FAT ass lady, and it's obvious there are a bunch of pizza's in the car.

"Hey, we should steal some pizzas!" (this is someone who wants pizza)
"Fuck yeah" (this is everyone)
"Fuckit, lets roll" (this is me, president of the house)

So apparently it was clear to everyone else, as it ought to have been, that I was drunker than most. On a side note I'm not even hungry at this point, I'd just eaten. So we're standing in the front lobby watching for where delivery lady is, getting psyched and all, I'm sure some of you can understand this kind of drunkin masterplanology.

She grabs a pizza and goes around the corner.

"Go, go, go" (pizza wanting dude)

Door opens. I bust out like a madman. (asside to the viewer: I can run, btw, quite fast, I play striker in soccer and run sprints in track.) Everyone else busts out slightly less madly, then stands on the porch, bastards. Of course I don't notice the porch standing or anything the like and I rush to complete the objective.

I grab the handle, unlocked, beauty. I pop it open and grab two of the big heating things they keep the pizza in. I dash back to the house, right in the front door as deliverylady comes back around the corner. I suppose
I should mention that the car was parked RIGHT out front, as if it had come to our place. Oh and the police saw the whole thing go down, they were cruising down the street as I busted out the door.

So to the outside observer the crime looks something like this. Pizza lady walks off, guy runs out door, opens car, takes pizza, runs back in same door. Play time, 30 seconds.

As I'm running back in some friends are coming up to the house, so they see everything too. Back in the house and celebrating for all of 30 seconds before I realize that she must have seen everything. So 'pizza wanting guy' and the other main instigator, not really drunk at all of course, realize that the jig is up so they take the pizzas right back. I'm too drunk to give a rats ass about all these details though so I go get high upstaris. That, I should note, was brilliant.

Well and then police come of course. Two officers and some campus security. No what follows, while all true, had to be partially reconstructed after the fact. So the police want to talk to the grils that came up to the house as I was running back in. I won't allow it. I refuse, seriosuly, I think I'm defending the girls honor or something equally lofty.

Now right about here is where I forget that it was me that stole the pizza, seriosuly.

I'm going around the house asking if anyone knows who stole the pizza. No joke, I'm busting into peoples rooms demanding to know "what fucking idiot stole the pizza right in front of our house?"

I'm back downstairs and since I can't find the thief I'm starting to get pissed that security and the GPD are still here, this is my house goddmanit and get the fuck out. So I start a yelling match with the police, and I'm winning of course, drunkest person wins every yelling match. I'm talking down to these cops like they had stolen my shit and caused a huge problem.

At one point I challenge one of our finest to a fight.

"I wanna fight you, you know I'll win, I'll fucking beat you, I know my rights you can't tresspass here" and on and on, all the classics.

Now, while I may be on the track team, I'm not in the boxing, weightlifting, or wrestling clubs. I don't fight, ever, I'm small, 5'7, 140lbs small. I'm actually the conflict resolution guy 99% of the time. I think what I meant was, 'I want to have an argument with you', but it didn't come out that way.

As this carries on the cops somehow never realize that this drunkin raving asshole is actually the guy that stole the pizzas. And why would they? No one in their right mind would come and defend other accused people in this manner if they were guilty, right?

So I ended spitting on one of the cops, not intentionally, no luggie, just a mouthful of spittle as I rant to the heavens. Then I stutter step like I'm going to make a break, then nothing. More yelling, I walk off at some point to go smoke some more.

Well I'm sure I've missed some juicy details and I've got no ending, but you get the picture.

Wake up the next morning, nothing happens. Next day coming back from the gym I find a police officers calling card. So I call and try and turn myself in about 5 times, they don't want me. I go to the copshop and they just tell me to come back or call later.

So I shave, I had a mountain man beard, I'll post it some time, and clean up, which I can do nicely. Finally about 4 days after the incident the GPD rolls up at 7 am to take me in.

It's boring after that, Criminal Tresspass of a motor vehicle (misdemeanor luckily) jail, court, fines, 2 years court suppervision, humiliation, you know the works.

So the moral of the story, dont be a fuck.

anyone else got good pizza stealing stories?

03-12-2005, 10:26 AM	#1 (permalink)
qweds has been Location: Chicago	stealing pizza If this should go somewhere else please feel free o moderator This happened about a year ago. I was living in my fraternity house, and, because I want to excuse myself, at a time when our house had been going thorugh alot of shit. Anyways on with the story. So as everyone who's been to college knows there's a fairly easy way to get free pizza if you really need. You just call and order several pizzas for different dorms, and you set it so the delivery guy will take the one's you don't want first. Since they're always busy as shit, at least in my town, they often leave the door unlocked, which is fine unless they're being scammed. So this is a pretty reliable way to get a pizza once and a while and to piss off the drivers. What follows is a highly un-reliable way to get pizza and which I strongly reccomend against. Well I'm drunk. Proper drunk. Correction, crunk. It's about 7-8 in the evening, on a Friday as I recall. We'd been drinking since 3 or 4. Out of nowhere someone notices a pizza car outside, and the driver is the FAT ass lady, and it's obvious there are a bunch of pizza's in the car. "Hey, we should steal some pizzas!" (this is someone who wants pizza) "Fuck yeah" (this is everyone) "Fuckit, lets roll" (this is me, president of the house) So apparently it was clear to everyone else, as it ought to have been, that I was drunker than most. On a side note I'm not even hungry at this point, I'd just eaten. So we're standing in the front lobby watching for where delivery lady is, getting psyched and all, I'm sure some of you can understand this kind of drunkin masterplanology. She grabs a pizza and goes around the corner. "Go, go, go" (pizza wanting dude) Door opens. I bust out like a madman. (asside to the viewer: I can run, btw, quite fast, I play striker in soccer and run sprints in track.) Everyone else busts out slightly less madly, then stands on the porch, bastards. Of course I don't notice the porch standing or anything the like and I rush to complete the objective. I grab the handle, unlocked, beauty. I pop it open and grab two of the big heating things they keep the pizza in. I dash back to the house, right in the front door as deliverylady comes back around the corner. I suppose I should mention that the car was parked RIGHT out front, as if it had come to our place. Oh and the police saw the whole thing go down, they were cruising down the street as I busted out the door. So to the outside observer the crime looks something like this. Pizza lady walks off, guy runs out door, opens car, takes pizza, runs back in same door. Play time, 30 seconds. As I'm running back in some friends are coming up to the house, so they see everything too. Back in the house and celebrating for all of 30 seconds before I realize that she must have seen everything. So 'pizza wanting guy' and the other main instigator, not really drunk at all of course, realize that the jig is up so they take the pizzas right back. I'm too drunk to give a rats ass about all these details though so I go get high upstaris. That, I should note, was brilliant. Well and then police come of course. Two officers and some campus security. No what follows, while all true, had to be partially reconstructed after the fact. So the police want to talk to the grils that came up to the house as I was running back in. I won't allow it. I refuse, seriosuly, I think I'm defending the girls honor or something equally lofty. Now right about here is where I forget that it was me that stole the pizza, seriosuly. I'm going around the house asking if anyone knows who stole the pizza. No joke, I'm busting into peoples rooms demanding to know "what fucking idiot stole the pizza right in front of our house?" I'm back downstairs and since I can't find the thief I'm starting to get pissed that security and the GPD are still here, this is my house goddmanit and get the fuck out. So I start a yelling match with the police, and I'm winning of course, drunkest person wins every yelling match. I'm talking down to these cops like they had stolen my shit and caused a huge problem. At one point I challenge one of our finest to a fight. "I wanna fight you, you know I'll win, I'll fucking beat you, I know my rights you can't tresspass here" and on and on, all the classics. Now, while I may be on the track team, I'm not in the boxing, weightlifting, or wrestling clubs. I don't fight, ever, I'm small, 5'7, 140lbs small. I'm actually the conflict resolution guy 99% of the time. I think what I meant was, 'I want to have an argument with you', but it didn't come out that way. As this carries on the cops somehow never realize that this drunkin raving asshole is actually the guy that stole the pizzas. And why would they? No one in their right mind would come and defend other accused people in this manner if they were guilty, right? So I ended spitting on one of the cops, not intentionally, no luggie, just a mouthful of spittle as I rant to the heavens. Then I stutter step like I'm going to make a break, then nothing. More yelling, I walk off at some point to go smoke some more. Well I'm sure I've missed some juicy details and I've got no ending, but you get the picture. Wake up the next morning, nothing happens. Next day coming back from the gym I find a police officers calling card. So I call and try and turn myself in about 5 times, they don't want me. I go to the copshop and they just tell me to come back or call later. So I shave, I had a mountain man beard, I'll post it some time, and clean up, which I can do nicely. Finally about 4 days after the incident the GPD rolls up at 7 am to take me in. It's boring after that, Criminal Tresspass of a motor vehicle (misdemeanor luckily) jail, court, fines, 2 years court suppervision, humiliation, you know the works. So the moral of the story, dont be a fuck. anyone else got good pizza stealing stories? __________________ tim(mah)