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BigBen · 03-08-2005, 02:13 PM

or: Who Would win, a Warrant Officer or 1500kg Black Angus?

Oh, how quickly people forget their roots. I was stationed with a training cell, and we were tasked with teaching basic training to officers. Lots of fun…

When they would slow down and generally fuck up, out comes the tear gas; it is called CS Gas, and is several times more potent than the stuff that they hit civilians with in riots. (If you see a rioter that is unaffected by tear gas, ask them what unit they served with) We absolutely brutalized those poor people. I often felt sorry for them, and then I would remember MY BASIC training and all pity would be forgotten. We used so much tear gas, we used the old transport containers as lawn furniture. I would hear “Lazy fuckers… hey Ben, hand me some wake-up pills” and I would give the Master Corporal about half dozen CS canisters. Sheesh

Anyway, I was the only guy from the prairies, and was hounded continuously. Yes, my family are farmers. Yes, I know my way around farm machinery. NO, I am not a farmer (not that there is anything wrong with that). The training area we were in was also a PFRA pasture (Prairie Farm Rehabilitation Association) where cattle would be released to graze on the grass in the training area. No big deal.

One day, we were getting the soldiers to set up a stage 3 concertina wire obstacle. Lots of swearing and cursing, LOTS of concertina wire (not razor wire, but close) and hammering, pulling, tying together et cetera. People were getting tired, and the gas came out.
“If you people can’t move your fat asses now, maybe you’ll work harder with your gas masks on…” And off they would go. I stood upwind and had a cigarette, not caring about things. Until I saw the BULL.
He was massive, and one of the most impressive creatures I had seen. Easily 1500kg, pure black, all muscle, and more importantly, a very pissed off look to his eye. Oh shit.

“Hey look guys, a cow has come to check things out…” one of the BC boys said.
“Um, guys, that’s not a cow…” I replied. No one was paying any attention to me.
“Cool, lets see if we can scare the troops with this little fella…” one of the Newfies said…
“Um, hey guys. I think maybe we should just…” I understood what goes through a bull’s head. Territory and sex. If we were in his territory, we might try to fuck his cows too. HE WOULD NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. I was raised with a healthy fear of bulls as a child, and now that fear was in full force. Why wasn’t anyone listening to me? Oh, yeah, I had forgot. I was the lowest ranking soldier for the nearest 100km.

The bull lowered its head. It was on the other side of the 6 foot wall of concertina wire. I think that instilled a false sense of security in my colleagues. I knew that bull would come straight through that wire and the scratches would only piss him off more. I started to back up toward my truck. I kept my eye on the bull.

I don’t know who said it, but someone had a particularly stupid idea. “Let’s gas it.”

About 3 canisters were thrown at the bull, over the wire and upwind of it. I immediately put my gas mask on. It took no longer than 7 seconds for me to see the following:

The bull collapsed. It laid on its side, all 4 legs sticking out, and was convulsing badly. It then proceeded to throw up 3 of its 4 stomachs. All the while, the most hideous noise in the world was coming from it. Kind of a honking screaming groan, a very low base voice shaking the ground under my feet. I almost threw up having sympathy nausea. Everyone laughed, thinking that they sure had taught that stupid animal a lesson. Don’t mess with us, we’ll fuck you right up.

I ran over to the Warrant officer who was standing by and laughing and screamed “What is so funny? What do you think that thing is going to do when the gas wears off? Send us a fucking apology note? It is going to kill every last person standing here. WE HAVE TO LEAVE. NOW…”

I would like to think it was my forceful tone and charm that made the Warrant appreciate the gravity of the situation, but instead I think it was logic and the memory that I was the only one who knew anything about these animals. He became very concerned.

“You think it will charge us when it gets up?” he asked, still not convinced.
“No, there will be no charging. He will just fucking gore us, stomp us and kick our teeth into the back of our skulls. Charging happens when his territory is challenged. When he’s pissed, he just kills things.” And for good measure, I added, “Fuck this, I’m leaving.”

Everyone became very concerned at that moment, and the laughing stopped. People ripped down that obstacle as fast as humanly possible, all the time looking over their shoulder to see if Fluffy was going to wake up. I did what I said I would. I got my gear, loaded my truck, and got the fuck out of there.

I feel sorry for that animal, and think that bad karma followed me for a while for not doing anything to stop that production. I asked the Range Control guys if any farmer complained about their cattle, and they said no, everything was okay. That made me feel a little bit better, but I still think of the noise that that poor bull made that day. Horrible.

03-08-2005, 02:13 PM	#27 (permalink)
BigBen Comedian Location: Use the search button	Tear Gas and an Angry Bull or: Who Would win, a Warrant Officer or 1500kg Black Angus? Oh, how quickly people forget their roots. I was stationed with a training cell, and we were tasked with teaching basic training to officers. Lots of fun… When they would slow down and generally fuck up, out comes the tear gas; it is called CS Gas, and is several times more potent than the stuff that they hit civilians with in riots. (If you see a rioter that is unaffected by tear gas, ask them what unit they served with) We absolutely brutalized those poor people. I often felt sorry for them, and then I would remember MY BASIC training and all pity would be forgotten. We used so much tear gas, we used the old transport containers as lawn furniture. I would hear “Lazy fuckers… hey Ben, hand me some wake-up pills” and I would give the Master Corporal about half dozen CS canisters. Sheesh Anyway, I was the only guy from the prairies, and was hounded continuously. Yes, my family are farmers. Yes, I know my way around farm machinery. NO, I am not a farmer (not that there is anything wrong with that). The training area we were in was also a PFRA pasture (Prairie Farm Rehabilitation Association) where cattle would be released to graze on the grass in the training area. No big deal. One day, we were getting the soldiers to set up a stage 3 concertina wire obstacle. Lots of swearing and cursing, LOTS of concertina wire (not razor wire, but close) and hammering, pulling, tying together et cetera. People were getting tired, and the gas came out. “If you people can’t move your fat asses now, maybe you’ll work harder with your gas masks on…” And off they would go. I stood upwind and had a cigarette, not caring about things. Until I saw the BULL. He was massive, and one of the most impressive creatures I had seen. Easily 1500kg, pure black, all muscle, and more importantly, a very pissed off look to his eye. Oh shit. “Hey look guys, a cow has come to check things out…” one of the BC boys said. “Um, guys, that’s not a cow…” I replied. No one was paying any attention to me. “Cool, lets see if we can scare the troops with this little fella…” one of the Newfies said… “Um, hey guys. I think maybe we should just…” I understood what goes through a bull’s head. Territory and sex. If we were in his territory, we might try to fuck his cows too. HE WOULD NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. I was raised with a healthy fear of bulls as a child, and now that fear was in full force. Why wasn’t anyone listening to me? Oh, yeah, I had forgot. I was the lowest ranking soldier for the nearest 100km. The bull lowered its head. It was on the other side of the 6 foot wall of concertina wire. I think that instilled a false sense of security in my colleagues. I knew that bull would come straight through that wire and the scratches would only piss him off more. I started to back up toward my truck. I kept my eye on the bull. I don’t know who said it, but someone had a particularly stupid idea. “Let’s gas it.” About 3 canisters were thrown at the bull, over the wire and upwind of it. I immediately put my gas mask on. It took no longer than 7 seconds for me to see the following: The bull collapsed. It laid on its side, all 4 legs sticking out, and was convulsing badly. It then proceeded to throw up 3 of its 4 stomachs. All the while, the most hideous noise in the world was coming from it. Kind of a honking screaming groan, a very low base voice shaking the ground under my feet. I almost threw up having sympathy nausea. Everyone laughed, thinking that they sure had taught that stupid animal a lesson. Don’t mess with us, we’ll fuck you right up. I ran over to the Warrant officer who was standing by and laughing and screamed “What is so funny? What do you think that thing is going to do when the gas wears off? Send us a fucking apology note? It is going to kill every last person standing here. WE HAVE TO LEAVE. NOW…” I would like to think it was my forceful tone and charm that made the Warrant appreciate the gravity of the situation, but instead I think it was logic and the memory that I was the only one who knew anything about these animals. He became very concerned. “You think it will charge us when it gets up?” he asked, still not convinced. “No, there will be no charging. He will just fucking gore us, stomp us and kick our teeth into the back of our skulls. Charging happens when his territory is challenged. When he’s pissed, he just kills things.” And for good measure, I added, “Fuck this, I’m leaving.” Everyone became very concerned at that moment, and the laughing stopped. People ripped down that obstacle as fast as humanly possible, all the time looking over their shoulder to see if Fluffy was going to wake up. I did what I said I would. I got my gear, loaded my truck, and got the fuck out of there. I feel sorry for that animal, and think that bad karma followed me for a while for not doing anything to stop that production. I asked the Range Control guys if any farmer complained about their cattle, and they said no, everything was okay. That made me feel a little bit better, but I still think of the noise that that poor bull made that day. Horrible. __________________ 3.141592654 Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.